As far as you can possibly go without fucking

The Girl That I Like.  I called her again, after months.  We chatted for ages again.  I visited again.

 

We’ve always been flirty but today we definitely went several steps beyond anything that can ever be called innocent flirting.  She asked me to guess her bra size post-baby, and bared them for a squeeze.  I squeezed.  I guessed.  I was way off, but I don’t think she minded.

 

Then she showed me explicit pictures from a sex tape she made the other day so I could see her pieced clit (which, not gonna lie, looked pretty awesome.  Always go vertical, they almost look classy)

 

It’s so fucking weird.  I want her so badly and I know she’s attracted to me too (not that that’s saying too much -her list of conquest is stuff of legend), but I don’t want to ruin our friendship and I don’t think she wants to, either.  She’s the only one who makes me feel amazing just to be around.

Best sex dream in a VERY long time

Just want to brag about it, really.  I woke up at 6 on my first day off in over 2 weeks (long story for another time), lay there for ages trying to fall back to sleep, gave up and had a wank to work off the morning wood then eventually fell back to sleep until 10.  In that time I had my most vivid sex dream I’ve had in a very, very long time.

 

I was in some palace, everyone was dressed like Disney princesses and there were several famous actresses there – including Jewel Staite and Erica Durance and I got freaky with them all in wonderful comfy beds that were in every room.  I don’t recall who the rest were now but I know I counted six girls I made out with, stripped, went down on until they came and whose asses I tongued (yep, I’m into that and since this blog is anon, you get to know.  Yay.)

 

The whole thing felt so carefree and fun.  I’m not sure I actually stuck my dick in anyone, but kissing, undressing and going down on beautiful women, one after another after another was amazing.  Everyone was giggling and laughing and giving themselves freely and lovingly.  It was amazing and I woke up happy.  I wish I could have that dream every night.  Sex dreams are extremely rare for me.

 

Now I just need some sex IRL.

 

Desperately.

I will never understand people. Again.

You told your partner your most personal and private secret.  He told his bit on the side.

 

She screamed it at you in the supermarket, in front of everyone.  You were humiliated.

 

You forgave him.  You’ll trust him again and he’ll betray you again.  And you’ll forgive him again and again.

 

Meanwhile, the loyal friend is snipped out of your life.

 

I will never understand people.

 

Why I Liked “The Girl I Like”

She was troubled.  She came from abuse and did things in her life that she regretted deeply and hates herself for.  She was an habitual liar, likely as a result of covering for horrible things since she was very young.  She went from calling and texting every day to giving no fucks at all with nothing in between, presumably because she’d found someone else she found more exciting.

 

But she was also the most fun and exciting person I’ve ever known.  She had an amazing sense of humour.  She felt everything so intensely, whether good or bad there were no buffers, nothing she held back.  When she was happy she was positively blissful, her joy was the most pure I’d ever known from anyone.  The closest I could describe it was like an excited puppy.

 

Of course, that meant her downers were just as severe – countless suicide attempts, self harm, drug addictions etc.

 

She was someone I could tell anything to without judgement, and who told me (but also pretty much anyone who asked) anything at all and knew I wouldn’t judge.  She knows more about me than anyone in this world except my ex, and I probably am in the top 3 or 5 for knowing all there is about her.

 

When she stopped calling or replying to my texts, I was torn.  How can you tell when someone’s pushing you away because they’re lost in their own tornado of depression versus when they’re genuinely no longer interested in being your friend?  I told myself that if it was the former and something happened, I’d never forgive myself.  So I kept worrying about her and texting and once in a while got a reply, many hours alter.  I got to speak to her for a grand total of 2 minutes and twenty seconds on the phone the other day, in which she told me everything’s going great and that she’d gotten some great news weeks before (but didn’t bother to share with me), then made a fishy-sounding excuse and went.

 

But still, I love her very much and wish her all the best.  She makes everyone else seem boring in comparison.  I just need to accept she doesn’t want to be friends anymore and move on.  And that hurts so much it’s unreal.

The emptiness of having no-one to love

I feel so empty.  I miss being in a relationship, of that knowledge that someone loves me and the strength it gives.  I miss sneaking up on someone in the kitchen, wrapping my arms around them and kissing them lovingly on the neck.  Feeling their breasts and running my hands down to their hips as they melt into my arms.

 

If you’ve got that feeling right now, hold on to it.  Don’t give it up for anything in the world.  All the drunk makeouts and meaningless sex (and I’d kill for even meaningless sex right now) in the world is nothing compared to it.

Temporary people leaving permanent memories

 

I know how some people aren’t in your life forever, that they’re just passing through.  But for some reason, I figured that was for other people and not me.  But here I am, scrolling through my Twitter feed and reading about a former friend’s new besties.  She says they’re “her life”.  I remember spending nights texting you and on the phone to you, giving you reasons to live when you were struggling.  I remember us confessing our darkest secrets to each other.  I remember watching fireworks with you, going climbing through woods with you.  I remember when things were at their worst between myself and my now-ex, you handmaking me a birthday card, giving me a big hug and whispering “please don’t kill yourself” into my ear, making me cry.

 

You got a new job, made new friends and just like that I was gone.  Awful fake excuses were made to avoid meeting up, and just like that we weren’t friends anymore.

 

The Girl I Liked, and still do even through she hurt me and some switch flicked in her head stopping her from caring.  If she ever did.  I wish I knew what I did to make her stop calling and texting and wanting to meet up or even doing me the basic courtesy of replying to me when I’m worried sick about her and her baby.  I run through all our interactions in my head on loop at night, trying desperately to find something.  I can be so oblivious sometimes, I can miss huge obvious things.  I wish I knew what was going on inside her head.  I can never be with you but I always want you in my life.  You were so good for my mental health and you were FUN, more fun than anyone else.  You lit up my day when you were around, made me the me of years ago before I became Eeyore.

 

I’ve got Facebook open and see you’re active now, messaging other people and not thinking about me at all.  I remember sitting with you while you got that tattoo a couple of weeks ago.  I remember going with you while you got your eyes examined years ago, walking you home from your first day at college, sitting with you and psyching you up for your first ever job interview.  Sitting with you and calming you down after your family embarrassed you in front of me and it broke your heart.  I remember the chocolate rabbit you got me, out of the blue, the first gift you ever got me.  I remember the day you were so depressed and I got you a t-shirt that you wanted even though it was way too big for you – and I remember the second time I saw you when we reconnected and you were wearing it, and a few weeks after giving birth it fit perfectly.  I remember the day you casually said to me as we were walking down the street, “you know I love you, right?”

 

Is it me?  Something I say or do?  I’m depressed as fuck a lot of the time and I know it shows.  I know that’s off-putting but is it really enough?  Is it because I told her she didn’t owe me anything after she told me how seriously she takes personal debts?  Maybe she just has a new best friend?  Another old friend back in her life, perhaps?

 

My ex, I understand why you cut me off, it’s better for both our sanity that we not try to be friends.  We wanted to be, but all it brought us was pain.

 

I feel awful right now.  Worse than anyone knows.  I won’t kill myself, because I believe that as long as I’m alive, no matter how bad things get, there’s a chance it’ll get better.  It has done once before when I was right on the edge.  A wonderful girl made me a birthday card and gave me a hug and reminded me that I mattered to some people.  She’s moved on now, but who knows what the future might bring?

Not Happy Unless I’m Helping Someone

 

When I was with my ex, until the last two years I was happy.  She had her bipolar downers but I helped her through them.  She made me feel so completely loved and helping her made me feel good.

 

Then we broke up and I felt unloved and empty.

 

Reconnecting with The Girl I Liked, I was able to help talk her through many of her problems, and she always made me feel like I mattered and I felt good.

 

Then she very suddenly became apathetic, and once again I feel unloved and empty.

 

I feel completely without purpose.  Why do anything?  Goals are meaningless, and I’ll still feel unhappy once I achieve them, so why bother?

 

I prefer the company of my more fucked up friends than my well adjusted ones.   I relate to them better.  So what if I get drunk and randomly make out with someone, or even some day go further and fuck them?  It doesn’t mean anything, I likely won’t even like them when I’m sober.  Having notches on my belt doesn’t impress me, having people whose hearts I’m in does – and drunk flings don’t engender that.

 

I’m not even sure where I was going with this, I just needed to spooge it out onto your screen.