Your death: The Numbers

How many people will care when you die?  This is a horrible thing to think about.  First, let me make clear: I WILL NOT KILL MYSELF.  I lived in fear of someone I love doing that for four years, and it’s a hell I’ll never inflict on anyone.  So, as depressed as I am, I won’t do anything bad about it.  So relax.

But think about it.

I don’t have any close friends left.  My closest recently downgraded me to “occasionally text” which hurt like fuck.  My ex doesn’t speak to me at all.  And nobody else is really close.

My other friends (all 5 of them) would be sad for a little while, then move on.  Hopefully they’d remember funny stories about me and good times.

My mother and my sister would be destroyed.  My ex might never find out, being 3,600 miles away and having me blocked on most methods of communication.  My former BFF would cry and be sad, but she’d move on.  That girl from a year ago I never quite got over would never find out nor care.  That girl who keeps blowing me off (note the “off”) would probably just think I’d gotten sick of her bullshit (which is true) and move on to the next nice guy to talk to between boyfriends.

My workmates would be more annoyed than anything, that they were down another person, as under-appreciated I am by the person at the top.  Hell, I’d be mad at me for leaving them one more person down.  Christmas temps are dropping like flies.

My extended family wouldn’t give a fuck.  My Facebook friends would be very superficially sad.

My cat would be destroyed.  And he’s old and deaf and on his last legs.  I couldn’t ever hurt him like that.  Last time I left the country for a month I’m told he didn’t cope well.

So, two people and one cat completely destroyed.  One person sad for awhile.  A few inconvenienced.  That’s… not many.  But I’m really not up to getting out and meeting new people, owing to my crushing depression.  I’m not even sure why I’m doing this, since if anyone tried to contact me I’d probably ignore it.  I guess I want anyone feeling the same thoughts to know they’re not alone, and I’m suffering with them.

Not alongside.  But it’s important to know you’re not alone.  And if it makes one person’s day even 0.01% more bearable by knowing how miserable I am, this post has been worth it.

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