Stuck in a rut

I’m stuck in a rut.  I hate that none of my friends want to spend time with me, but at the same time when they actually do, I’m so depressed and down that I’m no fun and – understandably – people don’t want more.  Last time I was out with friends, the nerdy one – the fucking terminal virgin nerdy one – told me to go home because I was the awkward one standing in the corner.

I used to be so full of energy and life, but now I’ve got nothing.  A year ago in my last job, my boss saw it when it was starting and kept asking if I was okay and saying that if I ever needed to talk he was there blah blah blah (of course I never took him up on it).  It was really sweet of him.  Two or three years ago I was so much happier, king of my little domain with a super loving but long distance girlfriend, and the best friends I’d ever known, who I felt deeply connected to.  I used to look forward to tomorrow.

I’m so jealous of my friends, my former friends and my ex having social lives and being happier than when they were around me.  It also triggers my paranoia that maybe I was dragging them down.  I try REALLY hard to ignore that voice.  All it’s ever done is cause trouble.

But at the same time, I’ve got no energy for a social life.  On my days off, I sleep and rest.  So I’m stuck.

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