Karma

 

They say it’s karma to fall in love with someone who doesn’t love you, for not loving someone who did.  And it’s true.

I fell out of love with someone who loved me more than air.  My deteriorating mental health, combined with her mental health issues – bipolar, BPD etc – made our last year together (of four) hell.  I used to help her through her downers, she’d lash out at me but it was water off a duck’s back.  But 2 years ago she changed.  During her downers I became the enemy, and she’d find ways to hurt me, to bring me down with her.  She broke me heart again and again.  She’d apologize afterwards, swear she didn’t mean it, but I know she did.  She meant every word.  And it just got worse, until I, numb from antidepressants I’ve since quit, told her the truth and broke her heart.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever said.

Now I’m in love with someone who, for many varied reasons, can never ever be mine.  And it really, really hurts.

I hate myself so much.

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