My ex is back to torture me. This time she’s using her dying dog as an excuse to lash out. She texts me to tell me the dog has cancer and is dying. This same dog she told me many times she planned to kill herself once she died (She used to say being with me was the only thing that kept her from killing herself. But towards the end I wasn’t enough and she was going when the dog did)
Do I get any details? Fuck no. No details about the dog I love and walked and fed every day I was there, and that woke up snuggled up with every morning. The dog that came when I called her name and not when my ex did. Instead I get how I put my friends ahead of her for the millionth time. She didn’t like me having friends, especially female ones – which is really awkward since most of my friends are women. She wanted me in a box with no other human contact, and in a long distance relationship like ours (did I mention she’s in the US and I’m in England? And I’d save up and spend a few months with her between part-time jobs? The rest of our relationship was on Skype) that’s not healthy at all.
She used to say it’d be okay if I had more guy friends and hung out with them, but I never told her about the time I got really drunk and made out with a guy. I don’t think she’d have offered that alternative if she knew.
I’m so angry at her, I want to lash out and tell her that what she’s doing is emotional blackmail, but I’m afraid she’ll kill herself if I say anything negative.
I don’t even know if the dog or her are alive right now. I’m crawling out of my skin with worry. She has friends there (she’s allowed friends. Including female ones when she’s bisexual, but that’s a double standard for another time)
It’s St. Patrick’s Day. I want to be with friends but no, instead I’m at home and hating myself, feeling guilty and terrified that someone I love (even if I’m no longer in love with) is dead or planning their suicide and blames me for everything.