I’m a slave to my heart

How do you stop your heart wanting what it wants?  I’m a slave to mine.  I didn’t choose to fall in love.  I remember it happening, I remember thinking to myself, “You’re looking forward to seeing this girl way too much” and thinking I had to keep that shit in check.

 

And I did, until she kissed me.  My mind opened and exploded.  Every rule in life suddenly seemed like it was optional and there was a whole new world of possibility.  It was a huge moment, far more significant in my life than she will ever know or understand.

 

I was with my now-ex when she kissed me.  I’d never cheated before, I never planned to.  I’d never been in a situation where more than one person desired me at a time.  I realized I could cheat if I wanted to.  Ultimately I’ve realized I can’t be as bad as I wish I could be, I’m not cut out to (then again, at the time she made that choice for me.  If she wanted to go further there’s no doubt I would have, especially in the euphoric state I was in at the time) But I’ll never forget that feeling of being on top of the world, feeling like a god who could do whatever I wanted.  I know why people cheat – because at the time it feels damn good, and if you can deal with the guilt you’re sorted.  I can’t.  I broke up with my now ex for the first time the day after she kissed me.  My friend decided she didn’t want to go further and eventually me and my now-ex reconciled.

 

And here we are, two years later reconnected and friends again after a long falling-out.  And I love her.  I can’t help it.  She doesn’t love me, I’m just a close friend to keep her company and chat to when she’s lonely but who doesn’t exist outside of those parameters.   At least, I don’t think I do.

 

She never played by any rules.  She didn’t and doesn’t care that I’m twice her age (that said, my ex was twice my age… yes I realize how fucked up this all sounds).  She did things that amazed and horrified me – the latter leading to various arguments that cost me her friendship for two years.  It’s because of her impact on me, this realization that rules aren’t set in stone, that I kissed a guy.  That I may have sex with a guy.  That I may experiment with drugs when they’re offered me again.

 

But I realized something else two days ago.  Her mental health isn’t good.  At all.  She’s suffered dearly for some of her choices.  She’s gone from someone widely loved and popular to someone with very few friends.  She’s damaged and jaded.  The balance of her friends liked her for what she did rather than for who she was, and as soon as she stopped, they stopped caring.  This girl who opened my mind and changed my life with one kiss has suffered dearly for the no-rules lifestyle I came to envy so much.

 

All that said, I’m happier since we reconnected.  Since I broke up with my ex, my soul felt empty, my depression overwhelmed me I was drowning.  I planned my suicide twice (never acted on it though, for reasons explained in my early posts) but now it’s like I have a purpose in life again – to make sure this girl gets through her dark patch and finds happiness again.  I know it’s going to be happiness with another man and I’ll be forgotten again.

 

But until then, I’m nowhere near great but I’m better.

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