The paranoid, insecure man that bullying made me

As touched on before, if someone doesn’t text back they hate me or are sick of me and everything I’ve seen from them in the days, weeks and months previous is a lie or they’ve changed their minds since and are now happily texting someone they like more.

 

If someone asks me about a certain event, they’re just mining for gossip, and don’t really care how said events impacted me.  I’m nothing.

 

If I don’t get that job I had the really good interview for, I’m an idiot who can’t tell if the interview is going well or not – and it means I think I’m having a good time with my friends but really they’re not enjoying themselves and that’s why they don’t text back and that’s why they hate me…

 

I was constantly psychologically bullied in high school, and I think this is the result.  Kids would point and laugh at me when I walked up.  It started off as a small group of three or four, but everyone picked up on it and soon it was about eight or ten of them.

 

I knew what they were doing, and at the start I told myself I wasn’t going to believe a word they said,  But after a year, I believed every word they said,  I was fat, I was a useless piece of shit.  I smelled, I was ugly.  They’d claim my family was incestuous.  I remember asking one of the lead bullies what I’d have to do to make them stop.  He replied, “We’ll only stop when you kill yourself”

 

In high school I had no social skills, no conversation skills, I couldn’t talk to girls to save my life.  I was hopeless.  But did I deserve that?  Fuck no.  Nobody does.

 

So one of them would sometimes try to befriend me.  I’d of course be suspicious, but we’d talk during the day and at the end, he’d turn on me and have all his bully friends there and they’d all laugh at me and mock the things I’d said that day.

 

In my adult life, I’m still a little surprised when someone I’ve just met is nice to me, or obviously wants to be my friend or be liked by me.  It’s this weird thing I struggle to get my head around.  Like, don’t they know what a fat, gross, smelly fuckup loser I am?  They could find out at any time!

One Year Today

Today is one year since I was with my ex.  One year since we made love.

 

I barely remember our parting at the airport and I hate myself for that, except that it wasn’t as emotional as our previous goodbyes.  I remember thinking I wouldn’t be back after the fighting we’d done.

 

She did more for me than anyone.  She loved me so much.  I hate myself for falling out of love with her.  I hate myself for not being strong enough to deal with her problems and I hate myself for having feelings for someone else while I was hers.

 

You’ll never read this, but I hope you’re happy.  I hope you’re doing better than me.  I’m so sorry for hurting you.

 

I’m a slave to my heart

How do you stop your heart wanting what it wants?  I’m a slave to mine.  I didn’t choose to fall in love.  I remember it happening, I remember thinking to myself, “You’re looking forward to seeing this girl way too much” and thinking I had to keep that shit in check.

 

And I did, until she kissed me.  My mind opened and exploded.  Every rule in life suddenly seemed like it was optional and there was a whole new world of possibility.  It was a huge moment, far more significant in my life than she will ever know or understand.

 

I was with my now-ex when she kissed me.  I’d never cheated before, I never planned to.  I’d never been in a situation where more than one person desired me at a time.  I realized I could cheat if I wanted to.  Ultimately I’ve realized I can’t be as bad as I wish I could be, I’m not cut out to (then again, at the time she made that choice for me.  If she wanted to go further there’s no doubt I would have, especially in the euphoric state I was in at the time) But I’ll never forget that feeling of being on top of the world, feeling like a god who could do whatever I wanted.  I know why people cheat – because at the time it feels damn good, and if you can deal with the guilt you’re sorted.  I can’t.  I broke up with my now ex for the first time the day after she kissed me.  My friend decided she didn’t want to go further and eventually me and my now-ex reconciled.

 

And here we are, two years later reconnected and friends again after a long falling-out.  And I love her.  I can’t help it.  She doesn’t love me, I’m just a close friend to keep her company and chat to when she’s lonely but who doesn’t exist outside of those parameters.   At least, I don’t think I do.

 

She never played by any rules.  She didn’t and doesn’t care that I’m twice her age (that said, my ex was twice my age… yes I realize how fucked up this all sounds).  She did things that amazed and horrified me – the latter leading to various arguments that cost me her friendship for two years.  It’s because of her impact on me, this realization that rules aren’t set in stone, that I kissed a guy.  That I may have sex with a guy.  That I may experiment with drugs when they’re offered me again.

 

But I realized something else two days ago.  Her mental health isn’t good.  At all.  She’s suffered dearly for some of her choices.  She’s gone from someone widely loved and popular to someone with very few friends.  She’s damaged and jaded.  The balance of her friends liked her for what she did rather than for who she was, and as soon as she stopped, they stopped caring.  This girl who opened my mind and changed my life with one kiss has suffered dearly for the no-rules lifestyle I came to envy so much.

 

All that said, I’m happier since we reconnected.  Since I broke up with my ex, my soul felt empty, my depression overwhelmed me I was drowning.  I planned my suicide twice (never acted on it though, for reasons explained in my early posts) but now it’s like I have a purpose in life again – to make sure this girl gets through her dark patch and finds happiness again.  I know it’s going to be happiness with another man and I’ll be forgotten again.

 

But until then, I’m nowhere near great but I’m better.

Prepare for rejection!

I’m supposed to be seeing my friend (The Girl I Can Never Have) tomorrow, as we agreed on the phone yesterday.  Haven’t heard a peep from her today, so texted to make sure things were still okay for tomorrow.

 

At time of writing, it’s been 50 minutes and nothing.  Years of experience and low self esteem have trained me to expect a rejection when I double-check plans with anyone.  I hate this waiting to hear back period so much.

 

Worse still, I’m afraid she’ll just not reply.  I’d so much prefer a simple “Sorry I can’t” or some other polite rejection 5 seconds after I texted and at least know where I stand.

 

Most annoying of all, when we reconnected she made a point to say she’d *always* text me back when she could, no matter what.  Hasn’t quite panned out.

 

But who knows, maybe her man is balls-deep in her right now, or her phone’s charging in the corner or her baby’s raising hell.  More likely (says the paranoid mind with zero anything to back it up) though, she saw my message, swiped it off the screen and went right back to texting her other friends…

 

I wish I knew what was paranoia and what was truth.

 

UPDATE:  She texted back at 1am, and I spent 4 or 5 hours with her today.  She’s had a very difficult couple of days, the details of which I won’t go into but are more than reason enough to excuse late replies.

I miss happiness so much

A year ago, I went back to stay with my (then) girlfriend in the US for two months.  Our relationship had been crumbling for awhile but ultimately it was there and with her that I’d been the happiest in my life, and my depression was spiralling out of control.

 

So I went back, and did all the things that made me so happy before.

 

Only this time, I didn’t feel a thing.

 

I remember laying with her in bed, once the most satisfying and amazing feeling ever, and being frustrated that I wasn’t feeling the same way.  We went to NYC and beyond a bunch times and saw amazing things, expensive things and I didn’t feel the blissful joy I used to.  I was numb.

 

To put it another way, if the good feelings used to be the equivalent of lying naked entangled with your loved one after amazing sex, they were now holding hands in thick gloves outdoors in the middle of freezing winter.  There’s a little something there, but it’s not the feeling I used to have.

 

And all the bad feelings I was experiencing every day were as crystal clear and sharp as ever.

 

And worse, she could tell and was afraid she was losing me.  And she was trying so hard.  And that broke my heart and I didn’t know what to do but try to reassure her that it wasn’t her fault.

 

We broke up not long after I got back to England.

 

She’d be absolutely horrified to know the highlight of my life now is drunkenly making out with some guy I barely know in an underpass right before he snorts coke, or being slightly too close to a girl half my age and risking destroying her new family if I step an inch too far.

 

There is no light on the dark side of me.

“The more you yell, the gayer I get!” and my one smooth move

So I spent the night drinking on an empty stomach while playing board games with a group of friends, one of whom was a guy I met exactly once before – close to a year ago, while the most drunk I’ve ever been in my life.  He said I was attractive and –just like that– I made out with a guy for the first time ever after a life of exactly zero gay thoughts.  Reminder: I’m in my 30’s.

 

Back to last night: Knowing I was working the next day, my friends were kind enough to kick me the fuck out so I could get home and get some sleep.  He left at the same time and we decided to walk back together instead of taking the offered taxi.  We’re both pretty fucked up so we’re walking arm in arm and are chatting.  And we walk through a park, where a group of teenagers start yelling “faggots!” and similar generic anti-gay stuff.  My memory is a little hazy, but I distinctly recall turning around and yelling, “The more you yell, the gayer I get!” and something about sucking his dick if they didn’t shut up.  And we went from linked arms to holding hands just to wind them up even more.

 

It’s utterly surreal and darkly amusing to be the target of homophobic remarks as an adult for actually acting gay, as opposed to when I was a teenager and it was just the go-to insult everyone used at school (it was a much less enlightened time)

 

I also made the smoothest move of my life, while my friend was about to indulge in his recreational drug of choice in a underpass (yes, this is a classy story about classy people doing classy things).  A couple and their dog rather suddenly came through and just as my friend was about to lose his shit, I deftly moved in and kissed him.  They awkwardly walked past (the rather embarrassed woman saying “Not looking!  Not looking!”) and didn’t at all notice the drug paraphernalia he was holding.

 

“That was a really good idea.” He said.

 

I got another kiss goodnight when we got to his place.  And this morning I woke up without a hangover.  Nice.

 

Quick Update

Turns out girl I like had a huge (read: HUGE, involving police) dust-up with her other half but they’re back together now.  It’s probably best for her, because he’s hopefully keeping her from falling into the bad habits I mentioned in the previous post.  We spoke very briefly on the phone yesterday but otherwise she’s keeping her distance.

I suspect that as part of their renewed commitment to each other, the guy she hangs around with all the time and is super close with that isn’t her fiancé (i.e. me) might not be a big part of her life going forward.  I hope with all my strength she’s okay and they find happiness.

And now I have to accept reality and get on with life.  This is going to suck.