Not Happy Unless I’m Helping Someone

 

When I was with my ex, until the last two years I was happy.  She had her bipolar downers but I helped her through them.  She made me feel so completely loved and helping her made me feel good.

 

Then we broke up and I felt unloved and empty.

 

Reconnecting with The Girl I Liked, I was able to help talk her through many of her problems, and she always made me feel like I mattered and I felt good.

 

Then she very suddenly became apathetic, and once again I feel unloved and empty.

 

I feel completely without purpose.  Why do anything?  Goals are meaningless, and I’ll still feel unhappy once I achieve them, so why bother?

 

I prefer the company of my more fucked up friends than my well adjusted ones.   I relate to them better.  So what if I get drunk and randomly make out with someone, or even some day go further and fuck them?  It doesn’t mean anything, I likely won’t even like them when I’m sober.  Having notches on my belt doesn’t impress me, having people whose hearts I’m in does – and drunk flings don’t engender that.

 

I’m not even sure where I was going with this, I just needed to spooge it out onto your screen.

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Yep, we’re done

 

I hadn’t heard anything from The Girl I Like But Can Never Have in a couple of days, then she calls me on my lunch break at work.  She’s at the hospital because her baby’s had a spill.  The way she tells it, it’s bad and I’m worried sick all evening.  I tell her I’m gonna call as soon as I’m off for an update, she says ok.

 

End of shift.  I call, and no pickup.  I text and nothing.  I’m worried more now, but a voice in my head is saying she’s just ignoring you.  And guess the fuck what??  The voice was right.  I finally get through to her hours later and the baby’s fine, she’s fine.  They’re back home and she’s just had friends over and then had a bath.

 

I told her I was really worried and she gave me fake sounding “I’m sorry I’m such a bad friend” bollocks.  I said she could have just texted so I knew she and her baby were okay but no, she was too busy.  Then she fucking slipped and said that she’s been getting phone calls!  She’s got time to answer them but not me.

 

Fuck you.  You’ll never fucking realise what a good, loyal and loving friend you just lost.  My heart is fucking torn and I want to cry.  I love her so much but this is the breaking point.  My mother (yes, I raged to Mummy) says it’s because she’s used to people not caring about her – which has something to it, the life she’s had – but I think the truth is that she doesn’t care about me at all.  I’m just a resource, and now it’s her newest couple of friends who are getting all the attention –constant phone calls, texting, invites to spend days with her etc- I loved so much weeks ago.  That made me feel like I mattered to someone.

 

I’ve fallen in love twice, both times have been doomed.  This girl hurt me once before, two years ago, and now she’s done it again.  I wish to anything I could just scoop out this feeling and dispose of it.  Because I love her – but I really don’t want to anymore.  And her indifference hurts so much.

 

I said it before and I’ll say it now: It’s karma. I love someone who doesn’t love me as punishment for falling out of love with my ex.  I guess I deserve it.

This might just be goodbye, girl that I love.

So the Girl I Love But Can Never Be With has been acting erratically.  She told me about a miscarriage.  She told me about a lowkey pill popping suicide attempt she made recently which she passed off as a badly upset stomach and swore me to secrecy.  She told me about major problems with her man cheating on her and huge fights they’ve had.  She told me she might lose custody of her child as a result.

So I text her later that day to make sure she’s okay, and I hear nothing back.  I’m worried sick, I text again the day after saying “please text back when you can so I know you and your baby are okay” and again hear nothing.

This morning she was active on Facebook.  She’s just ignoring me.

I think she’s just fucking with my head.  That she’s gotten bored of me and gone on to some other guy who’s now getting all her attention.  That’s what my gut is screaming, and what is screamed before we blew up and didn’t speak for two years.

I’m writing this in case we gets back in contact and spins some blatant bullshit that I gladly gobble up because I’m weak and want her to love me.  I want to remember this feeling next time it happens.  I’ve written but deleted several “Never mind, saw you active on Facebook you were just ignoring your friend who was worrying about you” texts.  I’m just going to leave it.  I’m done reaching out, and if I never hear from her again, that’s that.

We had some good memories and really fun times, and I wish her all the best because – with what I know about her and her situation that I know isn’t bullshit – she’s going to need it, especially if she surrounds herself with men and women who use her for sex, ply her with drugs and give no fucks whether she lives or dies like she used to.

Actually, scrap that.  I wish her child all the best, because he’s the one who’s really going to need it.

 

EDIT:  Sent that text the next day.  She told me she’s pushed everyone away and needs space while she processes all the shit that she’s going through.  I’m stepping back and giving her space – while getting myself used to the idea I’ll not hear from her again.

The paranoid, insecure man that bullying made me

As touched on before, if someone doesn’t text back they hate me or are sick of me and everything I’ve seen from them in the days, weeks and months previous is a lie or they’ve changed their minds since and are now happily texting someone they like more.

 

If someone asks me about a certain event, they’re just mining for gossip, and don’t really care how said events impacted me.  I’m nothing.

 

If I don’t get that job I had the really good interview for, I’m an idiot who can’t tell if the interview is going well or not – and it means I think I’m having a good time with my friends but really they’re not enjoying themselves and that’s why they don’t text back and that’s why they hate me…

 

I was constantly psychologically bullied in high school, and I think this is the result.  Kids would point and laugh at me when I walked up.  It started off as a small group of three or four, but everyone picked up on it and soon it was about eight or ten of them.

 

I knew what they were doing, and at the start I told myself I wasn’t going to believe a word they said,  But after a year, I believed every word they said,  I was fat, I was a useless piece of shit.  I smelled, I was ugly.  They’d claim my family was incestuous.  I remember asking one of the lead bullies what I’d have to do to make them stop.  He replied, “We’ll only stop when you kill yourself”

 

In high school I had no social skills, no conversation skills, I couldn’t talk to girls to save my life.  I was hopeless.  But did I deserve that?  Fuck no.  Nobody does.

 

So one of them would sometimes try to befriend me.  I’d of course be suspicious, but we’d talk during the day and at the end, he’d turn on me and have all his bully friends there and they’d all laugh at me and mock the things I’d said that day.

 

In my adult life, I’m still a little surprised when someone I’ve just met is nice to me, or obviously wants to be my friend or be liked by me.  It’s this weird thing I struggle to get my head around.  Like, don’t they know what a fat, gross, smelly fuckup loser I am?  They could find out at any time!

One Year Today

Today is one year since I was with my ex.  One year since we made love.

 

I barely remember our parting at the airport and I hate myself for that, except that it wasn’t as emotional as our previous goodbyes.  I remember thinking I wouldn’t be back after the fighting we’d done.

 

She did more for me than anyone.  She loved me so much.  I hate myself for falling out of love with her.  I hate myself for not being strong enough to deal with her problems and I hate myself for having feelings for someone else while I was hers.

 

You’ll never read this, but I hope you’re happy.  I hope you’re doing better than me.  I’m so sorry for hurting you.

 

I’m a slave to my heart

How do you stop your heart wanting what it wants?  I’m a slave to mine.  I didn’t choose to fall in love.  I remember it happening, I remember thinking to myself, “You’re looking forward to seeing this girl way too much” and thinking I had to keep that shit in check.

 

And I did, until she kissed me.  My mind opened and exploded.  Every rule in life suddenly seemed like it was optional and there was a whole new world of possibility.  It was a huge moment, far more significant in my life than she will ever know or understand.

 

I was with my now-ex when she kissed me.  I’d never cheated before, I never planned to.  I’d never been in a situation where more than one person desired me at a time.  I realized I could cheat if I wanted to.  Ultimately I’ve realized I can’t be as bad as I wish I could be, I’m not cut out to (then again, at the time she made that choice for me.  If she wanted to go further there’s no doubt I would have, especially in the euphoric state I was in at the time) But I’ll never forget that feeling of being on top of the world, feeling like a god who could do whatever I wanted.  I know why people cheat – because at the time it feels damn good, and if you can deal with the guilt you’re sorted.  I can’t.  I broke up with my now ex for the first time the day after she kissed me.  My friend decided she didn’t want to go further and eventually me and my now-ex reconciled.

 

And here we are, two years later reconnected and friends again after a long falling-out.  And I love her.  I can’t help it.  She doesn’t love me, I’m just a close friend to keep her company and chat to when she’s lonely but who doesn’t exist outside of those parameters.   At least, I don’t think I do.

 

She never played by any rules.  She didn’t and doesn’t care that I’m twice her age (that said, my ex was twice my age… yes I realize how fucked up this all sounds).  She did things that amazed and horrified me – the latter leading to various arguments that cost me her friendship for two years.  It’s because of her impact on me, this realization that rules aren’t set in stone, that I kissed a guy.  That I may have sex with a guy.  That I may experiment with drugs when they’re offered me again.

 

But I realized something else two days ago.  Her mental health isn’t good.  At all.  She’s suffered dearly for some of her choices.  She’s gone from someone widely loved and popular to someone with very few friends.  She’s damaged and jaded.  The balance of her friends liked her for what she did rather than for who she was, and as soon as she stopped, they stopped caring.  This girl who opened my mind and changed my life with one kiss has suffered dearly for the no-rules lifestyle I came to envy so much.

 

All that said, I’m happier since we reconnected.  Since I broke up with my ex, my soul felt empty, my depression overwhelmed me I was drowning.  I planned my suicide twice (never acted on it though, for reasons explained in my early posts) but now it’s like I have a purpose in life again – to make sure this girl gets through her dark patch and finds happiness again.  I know it’s going to be happiness with another man and I’ll be forgotten again.

 

But until then, I’m nowhere near great but I’m better.

Prepare for rejection!

I’m supposed to be seeing my friend (The Girl I Can Never Have) tomorrow, as we agreed on the phone yesterday.  Haven’t heard a peep from her today, so texted to make sure things were still okay for tomorrow.

 

At time of writing, it’s been 50 minutes and nothing.  Years of experience and low self esteem have trained me to expect a rejection when I double-check plans with anyone.  I hate this waiting to hear back period so much.

 

Worse still, I’m afraid she’ll just not reply.  I’d so much prefer a simple “Sorry I can’t” or some other polite rejection 5 seconds after I texted and at least know where I stand.

 

Most annoying of all, when we reconnected she made a point to say she’d *always* text me back when she could, no matter what.  Hasn’t quite panned out.

 

But who knows, maybe her man is balls-deep in her right now, or her phone’s charging in the corner or her baby’s raising hell.  More likely (says the paranoid mind with zero anything to back it up) though, she saw my message, swiped it off the screen and went right back to texting her other friends…

 

I wish I knew what was paranoia and what was truth.

 

UPDATE:  She texted back at 1am, and I spent 4 or 5 hours with her today.  She’s had a very difficult couple of days, the details of which I won’t go into but are more than reason enough to excuse late replies.