She was troubled. She came from abuse and did things in her life that she regretted deeply and hates herself for. She was an habitual liar, likely as a result of covering for horrible things since she was very young. She went from calling and texting every day to giving no fucks at all with nothing in between, presumably because she’d found someone else she found more exciting.
But she was also the most fun and exciting person I’ve ever known. She had an amazing sense of humour. She felt everything so intensely, whether good or bad there were no buffers, nothing she held back. When she was happy she was positively blissful, her joy was the most pure I’d ever known from anyone. The closest I could describe it was like an excited puppy.
Of course, that meant her downers were just as severe – countless suicide attempts, self harm, drug addictions etc.
She was someone I could tell anything to without judgement, and who told me (but also pretty much anyone who asked) anything at all and knew I wouldn’t judge. She knows more about me than anyone in this world except my ex, and I probably am in the top 3 or 5 for knowing all there is about her.
When she stopped calling or replying to my texts, I was torn. How can you tell when someone’s pushing you away because they’re lost in their own tornado of depression versus when they’re genuinely no longer interested in being your friend? I told myself that if it was the former and something happened, I’d never forgive myself. So I kept worrying about her and texting and once in a while got a reply, many hours alter. I got to speak to her for a grand total of 2 minutes and twenty seconds on the phone the other day, in which she told me everything’s going great and that she’d gotten some great news weeks before (but didn’t bother to share with me), then made a fishy-sounding excuse and went.
But still, I love her very much and wish her all the best. She makes everyone else seem boring in comparison. I just need to accept she doesn’t want to be friends anymore and move on. And that hurts so much it’s unreal.