Tag: best friend

Temporary people leaving permanent memories

 

I know how some people aren’t in your life forever, that they’re just passing through.  But for some reason, I figured that was for other people and not me.  But here I am, scrolling through my Twitter feed and reading about a former friend’s new besties.  She says they’re “her life”.  I remember spending nights texting you and on the phone to you, giving you reasons to live when you were struggling.  I remember us confessing our darkest secrets to each other.  I remember watching fireworks with you, going climbing through woods with you.  I remember when things were at their worst between myself and my now-ex, you handmaking me a birthday card, giving me a big hug and whispering “please don’t kill yourself” into my ear, making me cry.

 

You got a new job, made new friends and just like that I was gone.  Awful fake excuses were made to avoid meeting up, and just like that we weren’t friends anymore.

 

The Girl I Liked, and still do even through she hurt me and some switch flicked in her head stopping her from caring.  If she ever did.  I wish I knew what I did to make her stop calling and texting and wanting to meet up or even doing me the basic courtesy of replying to me when I’m worried sick about her and her baby.  I run through all our interactions in my head on loop at night, trying desperately to find something.  I can be so oblivious sometimes, I can miss huge obvious things.  I wish I knew what was going on inside her head.  I can never be with you but I always want you in my life.  You were so good for my mental health and you were FUN, more fun than anyone else.  You lit up my day when you were around, made me the me of years ago before I became Eeyore.

 

I’ve got Facebook open and see you’re active now, messaging other people and not thinking about me at all.  I remember sitting with you while you got that tattoo a couple of weeks ago.  I remember going with you while you got your eyes examined years ago, walking you home from your first day at college, sitting with you and psyching you up for your first ever job interview.  Sitting with you and calming you down after your family embarrassed you in front of me and it broke your heart.  I remember the chocolate rabbit you got me, out of the blue, the first gift you ever got me.  I remember the day you were so depressed and I got you a t-shirt that you wanted even though it was way too big for you – and I remember the second time I saw you when we reconnected and you were wearing it, and a few weeks after giving birth it fit perfectly.  I remember the day you casually said to me as we were walking down the street, “you know I love you, right?”

 

Is it me?  Something I say or do?  I’m depressed as fuck a lot of the time and I know it shows.  I know that’s off-putting but is it really enough?  Is it because I told her she didn’t owe me anything after she told me how seriously she takes personal debts?  Maybe she just has a new best friend?  Another old friend back in her life, perhaps?

 

My ex, I understand why you cut me off, it’s better for both our sanity that we not try to be friends.  We wanted to be, but all it brought us was pain.

 

I feel awful right now.  Worse than anyone knows.  I won’t kill myself, because I believe that as long as I’m alive, no matter how bad things get, there’s a chance it’ll get better.  It has done once before when I was right on the edge.  A wonderful girl made me a birthday card and gave me a hug and reminded me that I mattered to some people.  She’s moved on now, but who knows what the future might bring?

Everything falls apart

The Girl I Like But Can Never Have broke up with her fiancé.  She’s updated all her social media saying she’s single.  I’m worried sick she’s going to fall into her old drink and drug habits and wind up dead, or commit suicide, or will have her baby taken away from her, OR that something even more horrific will happen with her baby (see: Trainspotting)

 

And she’s ignoring me.  I’m worried sick and don’t know what to do.  We were best friends again for the past couple of weeks, and it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve felt happy and I’m pretty sure she enjoyed the time as well.

 

I know they were having problems.  He was cheating on her and using hook-up sites and she caught him repeatedly.  She asked me my advice on several occasions.  I tried to point out that he was good for her and their happy times together were great, but my bias that she deserves better than to be cheated on (when I know she’s cheated on numerous partners including him in the past) definitely shone through.  She treats sex much more casually than I do, cheating would be an instant killer for me but she was willing to forgive.  I told her I didn’t want to see her be a doormat like me (or her mother, who’s been in an abusive and unhealthy relationship for most of my friend’s life)

 

Either I’m hated for saying she deserves better than some guy who cheated on her, or I’m blamed for him leaving her if that’s what happened (there was tension from him when we reconnected, but she assured me it was sorted out and we’ve all hung out and had laughs together) and she hates me for that, or – and this is where it gets messy – maybe she never really liked me?  Maybe I was just a sucker, a means to drive up tension to get her boyfriend to leave?  All the bad stuff is coming back from when we fell out two years ago, where I was left feeling like I never mattered to her at all.  She was lying to me then (more than I knew at the time, regarding hard drug use) and treating me like shit – something she acknowledges and apologized for when we made up.

 

I don’t know what to think.  I’m in love with this girl, even though I know we’ll never be together.  If it was ever gonna happen, it’d have been two years ago.  I decided I’d be just fine being a part of her life and that’s been great (talking on the phone every day!  Seeing each other once or twice a week! etc), I felt loved and that I mattered.  And now, just like that, it feels like it’s been switched off.  Again.

 

It’s like part of my brain cannot accept that someone can do that, or fake that kind of feeling convincingly.  She’s never had limits, no question has ever been taboo or too personal.  That’s led me and others (not kidding, she’s left a string of broken hearts from here to South Africa) to feeling a lot more intimately involved with her than we ever really were.

 

I hope I’m wrong.  I want her “Lots of love!” to mean something.  I want to matter to her as much as she does to me, or at least so much that she can’t just drop me like I never existed.   I want her to be truly past the darkness in her life, I hope her baby has given her purpose and a reason to live.

 

I’m so worried.