Tag: breakup

Not Happy Unless I’m Helping Someone

 

When I was with my ex, until the last two years I was happy.  She had her bipolar downers but I helped her through them.  She made me feel so completely loved and helping her made me feel good.

 

Then we broke up and I felt unloved and empty.

 

Reconnecting with The Girl I Liked, I was able to help talk her through many of her problems, and she always made me feel like I mattered and I felt good.

 

Then she very suddenly became apathetic, and once again I feel unloved and empty.

 

I feel completely without purpose.  Why do anything?  Goals are meaningless, and I’ll still feel unhappy once I achieve them, so why bother?

 

I prefer the company of my more fucked up friends than my well adjusted ones.   I relate to them better.  So what if I get drunk and randomly make out with someone, or even some day go further and fuck them?  It doesn’t mean anything, I likely won’t even like them when I’m sober.  Having notches on my belt doesn’t impress me, having people whose hearts I’m in does – and drunk flings don’t engender that.

 

I’m not even sure where I was going with this, I just needed to spooge it out onto your screen.

One Year Today

Today is one year since I was with my ex.  One year since we made love.

 

I barely remember our parting at the airport and I hate myself for that, except that it wasn’t as emotional as our previous goodbyes.  I remember thinking I wouldn’t be back after the fighting we’d done.

 

She did more for me than anyone.  She loved me so much.  I hate myself for falling out of love with her.  I hate myself for not being strong enough to deal with her problems and I hate myself for having feelings for someone else while I was hers.

 

You’ll never read this, but I hope you’re happy.  I hope you’re doing better than me.  I’m so sorry for hurting you.

 

Everything falls apart

The Girl I Like But Can Never Have broke up with her fiancé.  She’s updated all her social media saying she’s single.  I’m worried sick she’s going to fall into her old drink and drug habits and wind up dead, or commit suicide, or will have her baby taken away from her, OR that something even more horrific will happen with her baby (see: Trainspotting)

 

And she’s ignoring me.  I’m worried sick and don’t know what to do.  We were best friends again for the past couple of weeks, and it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve felt happy and I’m pretty sure she enjoyed the time as well.

 

I know they were having problems.  He was cheating on her and using hook-up sites and she caught him repeatedly.  She asked me my advice on several occasions.  I tried to point out that he was good for her and their happy times together were great, but my bias that she deserves better than to be cheated on (when I know she’s cheated on numerous partners including him in the past) definitely shone through.  She treats sex much more casually than I do, cheating would be an instant killer for me but she was willing to forgive.  I told her I didn’t want to see her be a doormat like me (or her mother, who’s been in an abusive and unhealthy relationship for most of my friend’s life)

 

Either I’m hated for saying she deserves better than some guy who cheated on her, or I’m blamed for him leaving her if that’s what happened (there was tension from him when we reconnected, but she assured me it was sorted out and we’ve all hung out and had laughs together) and she hates me for that, or – and this is where it gets messy – maybe she never really liked me?  Maybe I was just a sucker, a means to drive up tension to get her boyfriend to leave?  All the bad stuff is coming back from when we fell out two years ago, where I was left feeling like I never mattered to her at all.  She was lying to me then (more than I knew at the time, regarding hard drug use) and treating me like shit – something she acknowledges and apologized for when we made up.

 

I don’t know what to think.  I’m in love with this girl, even though I know we’ll never be together.  If it was ever gonna happen, it’d have been two years ago.  I decided I’d be just fine being a part of her life and that’s been great (talking on the phone every day!  Seeing each other once or twice a week! etc), I felt loved and that I mattered.  And now, just like that, it feels like it’s been switched off.  Again.

 

It’s like part of my brain cannot accept that someone can do that, or fake that kind of feeling convincingly.  She’s never had limits, no question has ever been taboo or too personal.  That’s led me and others (not kidding, she’s left a string of broken hearts from here to South Africa) to feeling a lot more intimately involved with her than we ever really were.

 

I hope I’m wrong.  I want her “Lots of love!” to mean something.  I want to matter to her as much as she does to me, or at least so much that she can’t just drop me like I never existed.   I want her to be truly past the darkness in her life, I hope her baby has given her purpose and a reason to live.

 

I’m so worried.