Tag: bully

The paranoid, insecure man that bullying made me

As touched on before, if someone doesn’t text back they hate me or are sick of me and everything I’ve seen from them in the days, weeks and months previous is a lie or they’ve changed their minds since and are now happily texting someone they like more.

 

If someone asks me about a certain event, they’re just mining for gossip, and don’t really care how said events impacted me.  I’m nothing.

 

If I don’t get that job I had the really good interview for, I’m an idiot who can’t tell if the interview is going well or not – and it means I think I’m having a good time with my friends but really they’re not enjoying themselves and that’s why they don’t text back and that’s why they hate me…

 

I was constantly psychologically bullied in high school, and I think this is the result.  Kids would point and laugh at me when I walked up.  It started off as a small group of three or four, but everyone picked up on it and soon it was about eight or ten of them.

 

I knew what they were doing, and at the start I told myself I wasn’t going to believe a word they said,  But after a year, I believed every word they said,  I was fat, I was a useless piece of shit.  I smelled, I was ugly.  They’d claim my family was incestuous.  I remember asking one of the lead bullies what I’d have to do to make them stop.  He replied, “We’ll only stop when you kill yourself”

 

In high school I had no social skills, no conversation skills, I couldn’t talk to girls to save my life.  I was hopeless.  But did I deserve that?  Fuck no.  Nobody does.

 

So one of them would sometimes try to befriend me.  I’d of course be suspicious, but we’d talk during the day and at the end, he’d turn on me and have all his bully friends there and they’d all laugh at me and mock the things I’d said that day.

 

In my adult life, I’m still a little surprised when someone I’ve just met is nice to me, or obviously wants to be my friend or be liked by me.  It’s this weird thing I struggle to get my head around.  Like, don’t they know what a fat, gross, smelly fuckup loser I am?  They could find out at any time!

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