Tag: cheating

I Finally Understand The Girl I Like

She’s fascinated me for years.  I usually get an idea of people’s motivations and goals pretty easily, but she was always a mystery.  She’d do self-destructive things for seemingly no reason, put relationships that were meaningful to her in jeopardy when she didn’t have to and was smart enough to know she shouldn’t.  I always put it down to the abuse she went through when she was younger screwing her up (which is very true) but now I understand her motivation.  Let me add here that I’m in no way qualified to diagnose anyone with anything, and this post is just be expressing some kind of dark “eureka!” moment that’s been three-plus years in the making.

 

She’s an adrenaline junkie.

 

The Girl That I Like told me she was an adrenaline junkie a couple of months ago and again a couple of days ago, but it’s only now that it’s clicked that that’s why she does everything.  Why she compulsively cheats on every relationship she’s ever had, with people I know she loves and would rather die than lose.  Why she lies habitually and unnecessarily, even telling stories that paint her and those she cares about in a very dark light.  Why she steals pettily.  All because it gives her a thrill she can’t get any other way, a thrill she can never get by being good or doing the right thing.

 

She’s young and I shudder to think where this is going to go once the cheap thrills of being naughty wear off..  She currently seeing a mental health team regarding her depression and anger issues, and I hope they get her the help she needs.

I’m a slave to my heart

How do you stop your heart wanting what it wants?  I’m a slave to mine.  I didn’t choose to fall in love.  I remember it happening, I remember thinking to myself, “You’re looking forward to seeing this girl way too much” and thinking I had to keep that shit in check.

 

And I did, until she kissed me.  My mind opened and exploded.  Every rule in life suddenly seemed like it was optional and there was a whole new world of possibility.  It was a huge moment, far more significant in my life than she will ever know or understand.

 

I was with my now-ex when she kissed me.  I’d never cheated before, I never planned to.  I’d never been in a situation where more than one person desired me at a time.  I realized I could cheat if I wanted to.  Ultimately I’ve realized I can’t be as bad as I wish I could be, I’m not cut out to (then again, at the time she made that choice for me.  If she wanted to go further there’s no doubt I would have, especially in the euphoric state I was in at the time) But I’ll never forget that feeling of being on top of the world, feeling like a god who could do whatever I wanted.  I know why people cheat – because at the time it feels damn good, and if you can deal with the guilt you’re sorted.  I can’t.  I broke up with my now ex for the first time the day after she kissed me.  My friend decided she didn’t want to go further and eventually me and my now-ex reconciled.

 

And here we are, two years later reconnected and friends again after a long falling-out.  And I love her.  I can’t help it.  She doesn’t love me, I’m just a close friend to keep her company and chat to when she’s lonely but who doesn’t exist outside of those parameters.   At least, I don’t think I do.

 

She never played by any rules.  She didn’t and doesn’t care that I’m twice her age (that said, my ex was twice my age… yes I realize how fucked up this all sounds).  She did things that amazed and horrified me – the latter leading to various arguments that cost me her friendship for two years.  It’s because of her impact on me, this realization that rules aren’t set in stone, that I kissed a guy.  That I may have sex with a guy.  That I may experiment with drugs when they’re offered me again.

 

But I realized something else two days ago.  Her mental health isn’t good.  At all.  She’s suffered dearly for some of her choices.  She’s gone from someone widely loved and popular to someone with very few friends.  She’s damaged and jaded.  The balance of her friends liked her for what she did rather than for who she was, and as soon as she stopped, they stopped caring.  This girl who opened my mind and changed my life with one kiss has suffered dearly for the no-rules lifestyle I came to envy so much.

 

All that said, I’m happier since we reconnected.  Since I broke up with my ex, my soul felt empty, my depression overwhelmed me I was drowning.  I planned my suicide twice (never acted on it though, for reasons explained in my early posts) but now it’s like I have a purpose in life again – to make sure this girl gets through her dark patch and finds happiness again.  I know it’s going to be happiness with another man and I’ll be forgotten again.

 

But until then, I’m nowhere near great but I’m better.

Everything falls apart

The Girl I Like But Can Never Have broke up with her fiancé.  She’s updated all her social media saying she’s single.  I’m worried sick she’s going to fall into her old drink and drug habits and wind up dead, or commit suicide, or will have her baby taken away from her, OR that something even more horrific will happen with her baby (see: Trainspotting)

 

And she’s ignoring me.  I’m worried sick and don’t know what to do.  We were best friends again for the past couple of weeks, and it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve felt happy and I’m pretty sure she enjoyed the time as well.

 

I know they were having problems.  He was cheating on her and using hook-up sites and she caught him repeatedly.  She asked me my advice on several occasions.  I tried to point out that he was good for her and their happy times together were great, but my bias that she deserves better than to be cheated on (when I know she’s cheated on numerous partners including him in the past) definitely shone through.  She treats sex much more casually than I do, cheating would be an instant killer for me but she was willing to forgive.  I told her I didn’t want to see her be a doormat like me (or her mother, who’s been in an abusive and unhealthy relationship for most of my friend’s life)

 

Either I’m hated for saying she deserves better than some guy who cheated on her, or I’m blamed for him leaving her if that’s what happened (there was tension from him when we reconnected, but she assured me it was sorted out and we’ve all hung out and had laughs together) and she hates me for that, or – and this is where it gets messy – maybe she never really liked me?  Maybe I was just a sucker, a means to drive up tension to get her boyfriend to leave?  All the bad stuff is coming back from when we fell out two years ago, where I was left feeling like I never mattered to her at all.  She was lying to me then (more than I knew at the time, regarding hard drug use) and treating me like shit – something she acknowledges and apologized for when we made up.

 

I don’t know what to think.  I’m in love with this girl, even though I know we’ll never be together.  If it was ever gonna happen, it’d have been two years ago.  I decided I’d be just fine being a part of her life and that’s been great (talking on the phone every day!  Seeing each other once or twice a week! etc), I felt loved and that I mattered.  And now, just like that, it feels like it’s been switched off.  Again.

 

It’s like part of my brain cannot accept that someone can do that, or fake that kind of feeling convincingly.  She’s never had limits, no question has ever been taboo or too personal.  That’s led me and others (not kidding, she’s left a string of broken hearts from here to South Africa) to feeling a lot more intimately involved with her than we ever really were.

 

I hope I’m wrong.  I want her “Lots of love!” to mean something.  I want to matter to her as much as she does to me, or at least so much that she can’t just drop me like I never existed.   I want her to be truly past the darkness in her life, I hope her baby has given her purpose and a reason to live.

 

I’m so worried.

I Can’t Be Bad

For years I’ve wanted to say, “fuck it!”, ignore my conscience and just do whatever I want.  From not fucking a girl who gets drunk and throws herself at me (see earlier entry) to not fucking the girl I’m secretly in love with (and recently just found out is into the same fucked-up shit as me, see earlier entry) because I don’t want to risk breaking up her new family and have her baby grow up without a father I’d had enough.  I hoped I could just turn heel like a WWE wrestler, stop giving any fucks and take what I wanted, when I wanted.

 

But no.

 

Before I say the next bit, let me just preface with:  EVEN HYPOTHETICAL “BAD” DOORMAT DAN WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS.  My version of being bad is sleeping with women already in relationships, and not giving a shit about the consequences to them.  Cheating on women I’m in relationships with.  Not turning down drunk women throwing themselves at me.  You know, like all my friends and most of the people I know.

 

I’ve actually envied a man who hit, raped, cheated on and abused women after a long screaming argument on the phone with one of his victims, who insisted she could change him even after her mother couldn’t and they were involved for a decade.  Yes, you heard that right.  The disgusting cunt was cheating on the mother with her teenage daughter a third of his age.  If there was anyone on this planet I could kill and get away with it, it’d be him.  Years later, he’s still somehow with the mother, the daughter has thankfully moved away but she’s damaged from what happened.  Why does he get whatever he wants, get away with it, somehow not get sent to jail and even years later still gets to fuck and beat the mother?  It breaks my heart.  It makes me feel empty and like there’s no point to anything.

 

He got whatever he wanted and the women he hit or forced himself upon came back to him again and again.  They fucking begged for it.  They defended him.  He was “dreamy” and “gorgeous”.  They fucking stopped being my friend because I got mad and told them what I thought of their abuser for the millionth time after one of them came to me crying because he’d roughed her up.  They were good people who should have known better and it tore me to shreds seeing them suffer over and over.

 

My biggest turn on for sex is someone giving themselves to me.  Being wanted is what makes me hard.  I can be as rough as someone wants, but always and only with full consent of that person.

 

So back to my aborted heel turn, even after many drinks I couldn’t ask my friend (the one who got drunk and naked weeks ago) to fuck me.  I couldn’t pressure my best friend into sex even though I’m pretty sure she’d say yes (random aside: She got changed in front of me yesterday, no fucks given.  Oh my god she’s beautiful).  I can’t do it.  I hoped if I drank enough I’d take that one biggest and most difficult first step, and the rest would come easily.  Part of me thinks I’m weak and a failure, and another part thinks it’s a good thing.  But even if it’s a good thing, to what end?  I’m still not getting sex, the people who are are total assholes and I don’t believe in any god or afterlife, so I’m not accumulating any “heaven points” for being a good boy.

 

So is being good an end unto itself?  I’m not proud of not getting what I want.  I’m frustrated.  People like me, but they all move on to other people.  I’m boring.  But I guess it’s my calling.

Cheating is Normal Now

Everyone I know cheats.  My ex cheated with me on her husband, ending that relationship (and leaving me with a burden of guilt that’ll never leave me), and she cheated on him at least twice before I came along.

 

My best friend is pretty much a nymphomaniac.  I’m one of four friends she hasn’t slept with (of either gender), and two of them are gay guys.  Why hasn’t she slept with me?  I’ve never asked.  I’m afraid to.  But I’m pretty sure if we fucked 2 years ago like we nearly did, I wouldn’t be in her life today and that would be a huge shame because I love her a great deal.

 

She found out her other half cheated on her yesterday.  She was heartbroken for a few hours, but as you’ll know from my previous post, they’ve made up in less than 24 hours.  She’s been bad several times.  He found out and forgave her.

 

Even my sweetest, most innocent and sweet friends have been bad, and told me they’d be bad again should certain situations crop up.

 

So that’s the world we live in now.  Everyone wants to have their cake and eat it, too.  It’s normal.  Another of my friends has essentially given up on relationships for this reason, and is trying to convince me and herself that she’s okay being just friends-with-benefits with some guy she’s into who she knows is seeing other women.

 

I was mad at myself for not sleeping with my other friend who threw herself at me while drunk a month or two ago, but if I had done it I’d have felt guilty as fuck every time I saw her other half.  If we were caught and it ended their relationship the guilt would be too much.  Ditto my best friend and her partner.

 

I feel so helpless.  I want to find someone to love and trust but the most I can hope for is a fuck buddy who I have to share with whomever she’d want.  It sours me on the whole thing.  And worst of all, I’ve been bad too so I’m a pathetic loser wanting more from others than I can muster from myself 😦