Tag: crush

As far as you can possibly go without fucking

The Girl That I Like.  I called her again, after months.  We chatted for ages again.  I visited again.

 

We’ve always been flirty but today we definitely went several steps beyond anything that can ever be called innocent flirting.  She asked me to guess her bra size post-baby, and bared them for a squeeze.  I squeezed.  I guessed.  I was way off, but I don’t think she minded.

 

Then she showed me explicit pictures from a sex tape she made the other day so I could see her pieced clit (which, not gonna lie, looked pretty awesome.  Always go vertical, they almost look classy)

 

It’s so fucking weird.  I want her so badly and I know she’s attracted to me too (not that that’s saying too much -her list of conquest is stuff of legend), but I don’t want to ruin our friendship and I don’t think she wants to, either.  She’s the only one who makes me feel amazing just to be around.

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Everything falls apart

The Girl I Like But Can Never Have broke up with her fiancé.  She’s updated all her social media saying she’s single.  I’m worried sick she’s going to fall into her old drink and drug habits and wind up dead, or commit suicide, or will have her baby taken away from her, OR that something even more horrific will happen with her baby (see: Trainspotting)

 

And she’s ignoring me.  I’m worried sick and don’t know what to do.  We were best friends again for the past couple of weeks, and it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve felt happy and I’m pretty sure she enjoyed the time as well.

 

I know they were having problems.  He was cheating on her and using hook-up sites and she caught him repeatedly.  She asked me my advice on several occasions.  I tried to point out that he was good for her and their happy times together were great, but my bias that she deserves better than to be cheated on (when I know she’s cheated on numerous partners including him in the past) definitely shone through.  She treats sex much more casually than I do, cheating would be an instant killer for me but she was willing to forgive.  I told her I didn’t want to see her be a doormat like me (or her mother, who’s been in an abusive and unhealthy relationship for most of my friend’s life)

 

Either I’m hated for saying she deserves better than some guy who cheated on her, or I’m blamed for him leaving her if that’s what happened (there was tension from him when we reconnected, but she assured me it was sorted out and we’ve all hung out and had laughs together) and she hates me for that, or – and this is where it gets messy – maybe she never really liked me?  Maybe I was just a sucker, a means to drive up tension to get her boyfriend to leave?  All the bad stuff is coming back from when we fell out two years ago, where I was left feeling like I never mattered to her at all.  She was lying to me then (more than I knew at the time, regarding hard drug use) and treating me like shit – something she acknowledges and apologized for when we made up.

 

I don’t know what to think.  I’m in love with this girl, even though I know we’ll never be together.  If it was ever gonna happen, it’d have been two years ago.  I decided I’d be just fine being a part of her life and that’s been great (talking on the phone every day!  Seeing each other once or twice a week! etc), I felt loved and that I mattered.  And now, just like that, it feels like it’s been switched off.  Again.

 

It’s like part of my brain cannot accept that someone can do that, or fake that kind of feeling convincingly.  She’s never had limits, no question has ever been taboo or too personal.  That’s led me and others (not kidding, she’s left a string of broken hearts from here to South Africa) to feeling a lot more intimately involved with her than we ever really were.

 

I hope I’m wrong.  I want her “Lots of love!” to mean something.  I want to matter to her as much as she does to me, or at least so much that she can’t just drop me like I never existed.   I want her to be truly past the darkness in her life, I hope her baby has given her purpose and a reason to live.

 

I’m so worried.

Even doormats have good days

I got to spend the better part of 2 days with that girl I’m nuts about but can’t be with.  On the first day she got a tattoo and for a few hours was squeezing/crushing my hand and snuggling her face in my side during the painful bits.  And kissing my hand repeatedly.  I’m still coming down days later.

Another weird thing.  I say “Lots of love!” when I say goodbye to her, as kind of a “you matter a lot to me” thing but trying not to be too gushing or obvious about how nuts I am for her.  She says goodbye to her mother and even her fiancé the exact same way.  The way I started saying goodbye to her a little under two months ago.

Am I an Attention Whore?

A long time ago, I was happy.  My happiness came from within, a contented feeling from having achieved more in life (as incredibly modest those things were by anyone else’s standards) than I ever thought possible.  But as I became moderately popular in my little circle of friends, something gradually changed.  My happiness stopped coming from within, and instead came from how I was seen and treated by those around me.

 

Which means I’m happy when I’m surrounded by friends, and depressed as fuck when I’m alone.  I take it ridiculously hard when friends go out without inviting me, or don’t reply to texts.  I’m the guy who never gets the hint to leave because I don’t want to be left alone with my thoughts.  I even get jealous when I’m not someone’s best friend – and yes, I realize how weird and fucked up and unhealthy these thoughts are.  People have friends and people more important than me and they’re allowed to.  They’re allowed to go out and hang with people that aren’t me and have a good time, just like I sometimes go out with people that don’t include them and have a good time too.

 

So why, if I can understand this intellectually, does it still hurt so much every time I’m left out?

 

The plan B. The backup guy. Me.

The girl I like but can never be with called me today, she’s getting a tattoo at the end of next week but her boyfriend has stuff already planned and doesn’t want to cancel.  So she asked if I’d sit with her while she got it.

 

Thing is, it’s a big tattoo, covering her side, butt and leg.  She’ll be laying there mostly naked for it.  I obviously don’t mind seeing her naked at all (worst case scenario I’m sitting next to her with a raging boner), but does her man seriously not want to be sitting there with her while she gets inked up like that??  I’ve sat with another female friend (just a friend, we don’t have any feels for each other) while she got a tattoo on her belly and hip and I loved the experience.  It meant a lot to me that someone would want to share it with me.  Tattoos are forever, and every time she thinks back to getting hers she’ll remember us sitting there chatting while she got it, and hopefully smile.  How can he not care??

 

I’m pretty sure my crush’s man will cancel his other plans and sit with her, which is best for her/them but a shame for me.  I want to be part of a fond memory of hers.  But if he doesn’t, I’ll be really disappointed in him.