When I was with my ex, until the last two years I was happy. She had her bipolar downers but I helped her through them. She made me feel so completely loved and helping her made me feel good.
Then we broke up and I felt unloved and empty.
Reconnecting with The Girl I Liked, I was able to help talk her through many of her problems, and she always made me feel like I mattered and I felt good.
Then she very suddenly became apathetic, and once again I feel unloved and empty.
I feel completely without purpose. Why do anything? Goals are meaningless, and I’ll still feel unhappy once I achieve them, so why bother?
I prefer the company of my more fucked up friends than my well adjusted ones. I relate to them better. So what if I get drunk and randomly make out with someone, or even some day go further and fuck them? It doesn’t mean anything, I likely won’t even like them when I’m sober. Having notches on my belt doesn’t impress me, having people whose hearts I’m in does – and drunk flings don’t engender that.
I’m not even sure where I was going with this, I just needed to spooge it out onto your screen.
I hadn’t heard anything from The Girl I Like But Can Never Have in a couple of days, then she calls me on my lunch break at work. She’s at the hospital because her baby’s had a spill. The way she tells it, it’s bad and I’m worried sick all evening. I tell her I’m gonna call as soon as I’m off for an update, she says ok.
End of shift. I call, and no pickup. I text and nothing. I’m worried more now, but a voice in my head is saying she’s just ignoring you. And guess the fuck what?? The voice was right. I finally get through to her hours later and the baby’s fine, she’s fine. They’re back home and she’s just had friends over and then had a bath.
I told her I was really worried and she gave me fake sounding “I’m sorry I’m such a bad friend” bollocks. I said she could have just texted so I knew she and her baby were okay but no, she was too busy. Then she fucking slipped and said that she’s been getting phone calls! She’s got time to answer them but not me.
Fuck you. You’ll never fucking realise what a good, loyal and loving friend you just lost. My heart is fucking torn and I want to cry. I love her so much but this is the breaking point. My mother (yes, I raged to Mummy) says it’s because she’s used to people not caring about her – which has something to it, the life she’s had – but I think the truth is that she doesn’t care about me at all. I’m just a resource, and now it’s her newest couple of friends who are getting all the attention –constant phone calls, texting, invites to spend days with her etc- I loved so much weeks ago. That made me feel like I mattered to someone.
I’ve fallen in love twice, both times have been doomed. This girl hurt me once before, two years ago, and now she’s done it again. I wish to anything I could just scoop out this feeling and dispose of it. Because I love her – but I really don’t want to anymore. And her indifference hurts so much.
I said it before and I’ll say it now: It’s karma. I love someone who doesn’t love me as punishment for falling out of love with my ex. I guess I deserve it.
A year ago, I went back to stay with my (then) girlfriend in the US for two months. Our relationship had been crumbling for awhile but ultimately it was there and with her that I’d been the happiest in my life, and my depression was spiralling out of control.
So I went back, and did all the things that made me so happy before.
Only this time, I didn’t feel a thing.
I remember laying with her in bed, once the most satisfying and amazing feeling ever, and being frustrated that I wasn’t feeling the same way. We went to NYC and beyond a bunch times and saw amazing things, expensive things and I didn’t feel the blissful joy I used to. I was numb.
To put it another way, if the good feelings used to be the equivalent of lying naked entangled with your loved one after amazing sex, they were now holding hands in thick gloves outdoors in the middle of freezing winter. There’s a little something there, but it’s not the feeling I used to have.
And all the bad feelings I was experiencing every day were as crystal clear and sharp as ever.
And worse, she could tell and was afraid she was losing me. And she was trying so hard. And that broke my heart and I didn’t know what to do but try to reassure her that it wasn’t her fault.
We broke up not long after I got back to England.
She’d be absolutely horrified to know the highlight of my life now is drunkenly making out with some guy I barely know in an underpass right before he snorts coke, or being slightly too close to a girl half my age and risking destroying her new family if I step an inch too far.
There is no light on the dark side of me.