Tag: hospital

Yep, we’re done


I hadn’t heard anything from The Girl I Like But Can Never Have in a couple of days, then she calls me on my lunch break at work.  She’s at the hospital because her baby’s had a spill.  The way she tells it, it’s bad and I’m worried sick all evening.  I tell her I’m gonna call as soon as I’m off for an update, she says ok.


End of shift.  I call, and no pickup.  I text and nothing.  I’m worried more now, but a voice in my head is saying she’s just ignoring you.  And guess the fuck what??  The voice was right.  I finally get through to her hours later and the baby’s fine, she’s fine.  They’re back home and she’s just had friends over and then had a bath.


I told her I was really worried and she gave me fake sounding “I’m sorry I’m such a bad friend” bollocks.  I said she could have just texted so I knew she and her baby were okay but no, she was too busy.  Then she fucking slipped and said that she’s been getting phone calls!  She’s got time to answer them but not me.


Fuck you.  You’ll never fucking realise what a good, loyal and loving friend you just lost.  My heart is fucking torn and I want to cry.  I love her so much but this is the breaking point.  My mother (yes, I raged to Mummy) says it’s because she’s used to people not caring about her – which has something to it, the life she’s had – but I think the truth is that she doesn’t care about me at all.  I’m just a resource, and now it’s her newest couple of friends who are getting all the attention –constant phone calls, texting, invites to spend days with her etc- I loved so much weeks ago.  That made me feel like I mattered to someone.


I’ve fallen in love twice, both times have been doomed.  This girl hurt me once before, two years ago, and now she’s done it again.  I wish to anything I could just scoop out this feeling and dispose of it.  Because I love her – but I really don’t want to anymore.  And her indifference hurts so much.


I said it before and I’ll say it now: It’s karma. I love someone who doesn’t love me as punishment for falling out of love with my ex.  I guess I deserve it.


Do dreams have meaning?


Three years ago I had a dream.  I woke up in a hospital bed, with a girl sitting there next to me.  She was someone I’d only just met in real life, except, she was a little older, slightly heavier and had longer hair.  In the dream, I’ve woken up in hospital and am asking why I’m in hospital and what’s happened, but nobody is telling me.  All the nurses and this girl do is tell me to calm down.  The girl got mad because I asked her why she was there.  She replied rather angrily, “Why do you think I’m here??”


Because of this dream, I figured I should get to know this girl better and we became best friends for a bit, then fell out for two years and recently reconnected.  Yep, she’s that girl I’m in love with but can never be with.


And in case you hadn’t already guessed, when we reconnected she looked exactly like she did in the dream I had three years ago.  I don’t believe in god, I don’t believe in fate.  I’m telling myself it’s my bad memory swapping out what I saw then for what I’m seeing now, and that my mind is desperately trying to find something meaningful in what was just a random dream about a girl I fell in love with.


I even told her about it.  And I kinda randomly got emotional (see earlier entry) and cried a tiny bit.  She reciprocated by telling me about a dream where we had amazing sex.