Tag: ignored

Why I Liked “The Girl I Like”

She was troubled.  She came from abuse and did things in her life that she regretted deeply and hates herself for.  She was an habitual liar, likely as a result of covering for horrible things since she was very young.  She went from calling and texting every day to giving no fucks at all with nothing in between, presumably because she’d found someone else she found more exciting.

 

But she was also the most fun and exciting person I’ve ever known.  She had an amazing sense of humour.  She felt everything so intensely, whether good or bad there were no buffers, nothing she held back.  When she was happy she was positively blissful, her joy was the most pure I’d ever known from anyone.  The closest I could describe it was like an excited puppy.

 

Of course, that meant her downers were just as severe – countless suicide attempts, self harm, drug addictions etc.

 

She was someone I could tell anything to without judgement, and who told me (but also pretty much anyone who asked) anything at all and knew I wouldn’t judge.  She knows more about me than anyone in this world except my ex, and I probably am in the top 3 or 5 for knowing all there is about her.

 

When she stopped calling or replying to my texts, I was torn.  How can you tell when someone’s pushing you away because they’re lost in their own tornado of depression versus when they’re genuinely no longer interested in being your friend?  I told myself that if it was the former and something happened, I’d never forgive myself.  So I kept worrying about her and texting and once in a while got a reply, many hours alter.  I got to speak to her for a grand total of 2 minutes and twenty seconds on the phone the other day, in which she told me everything’s going great and that she’d gotten some great news weeks before (but didn’t bother to share with me), then made a fishy-sounding excuse and went.

 

But still, I love her very much and wish her all the best.  She makes everyone else seem boring in comparison.  I just need to accept she doesn’t want to be friends anymore and move on.  And that hurts so much it’s unreal.

Advertisements

Yep, we’re done

 

I hadn’t heard anything from The Girl I Like But Can Never Have in a couple of days, then she calls me on my lunch break at work.  She’s at the hospital because her baby’s had a spill.  The way she tells it, it’s bad and I’m worried sick all evening.  I tell her I’m gonna call as soon as I’m off for an update, she says ok.

 

End of shift.  I call, and no pickup.  I text and nothing.  I’m worried more now, but a voice in my head is saying she’s just ignoring you.  And guess the fuck what??  The voice was right.  I finally get through to her hours later and the baby’s fine, she’s fine.  They’re back home and she’s just had friends over and then had a bath.

 

I told her I was really worried and she gave me fake sounding “I’m sorry I’m such a bad friend” bollocks.  I said she could have just texted so I knew she and her baby were okay but no, she was too busy.  Then she fucking slipped and said that she’s been getting phone calls!  She’s got time to answer them but not me.

 

Fuck you.  You’ll never fucking realise what a good, loyal and loving friend you just lost.  My heart is fucking torn and I want to cry.  I love her so much but this is the breaking point.  My mother (yes, I raged to Mummy) says it’s because she’s used to people not caring about her – which has something to it, the life she’s had – but I think the truth is that she doesn’t care about me at all.  I’m just a resource, and now it’s her newest couple of friends who are getting all the attention –constant phone calls, texting, invites to spend days with her etc- I loved so much weeks ago.  That made me feel like I mattered to someone.

 

I’ve fallen in love twice, both times have been doomed.  This girl hurt me once before, two years ago, and now she’s done it again.  I wish to anything I could just scoop out this feeling and dispose of it.  Because I love her – but I really don’t want to anymore.  And her indifference hurts so much.

 

I said it before and I’ll say it now: It’s karma. I love someone who doesn’t love me as punishment for falling out of love with my ex.  I guess I deserve it.

This might just be goodbye, girl that I love.

So the Girl I Love But Can Never Be With has been acting erratically.  She told me about a miscarriage.  She told me about a lowkey pill popping suicide attempt she made recently which she passed off as a badly upset stomach and swore me to secrecy.  She told me about major problems with her man cheating on her and huge fights they’ve had.  She told me she might lose custody of her child as a result.

So I text her later that day to make sure she’s okay, and I hear nothing back.  I’m worried sick, I text again the day after saying “please text back when you can so I know you and your baby are okay” and again hear nothing.

This morning she was active on Facebook.  She’s just ignoring me.

I think she’s just fucking with my head.  That she’s gotten bored of me and gone on to some other guy who’s now getting all her attention.  That’s what my gut is screaming, and what is screamed before we blew up and didn’t speak for two years.

I’m writing this in case we gets back in contact and spins some blatant bullshit that I gladly gobble up because I’m weak and want her to love me.  I want to remember this feeling next time it happens.  I’ve written but deleted several “Never mind, saw you active on Facebook you were just ignoring your friend who was worrying about you” texts.  I’m just going to leave it.  I’m done reaching out, and if I never hear from her again, that’s that.

We had some good memories and really fun times, and I wish her all the best because – with what I know about her and her situation that I know isn’t bullshit – she’s going to need it, especially if she surrounds herself with men and women who use her for sex, ply her with drugs and give no fucks whether she lives or dies like she used to.

Actually, scrap that.  I wish her child all the best, because he’s the one who’s really going to need it.

 

EDIT:  Sent that text the next day.  She told me she’s pushed everyone away and needs space while she processes all the shit that she’s going through.  I’m stepping back and giving her space – while getting myself used to the idea I’ll not hear from her again.

Everything falls apart

The Girl I Like But Can Never Have broke up with her fiancé.  She’s updated all her social media saying she’s single.  I’m worried sick she’s going to fall into her old drink and drug habits and wind up dead, or commit suicide, or will have her baby taken away from her, OR that something even more horrific will happen with her baby (see: Trainspotting)

 

And she’s ignoring me.  I’m worried sick and don’t know what to do.  We were best friends again for the past couple of weeks, and it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve felt happy and I’m pretty sure she enjoyed the time as well.

 

I know they were having problems.  He was cheating on her and using hook-up sites and she caught him repeatedly.  She asked me my advice on several occasions.  I tried to point out that he was good for her and their happy times together were great, but my bias that she deserves better than to be cheated on (when I know she’s cheated on numerous partners including him in the past) definitely shone through.  She treats sex much more casually than I do, cheating would be an instant killer for me but she was willing to forgive.  I told her I didn’t want to see her be a doormat like me (or her mother, who’s been in an abusive and unhealthy relationship for most of my friend’s life)

 

Either I’m hated for saying she deserves better than some guy who cheated on her, or I’m blamed for him leaving her if that’s what happened (there was tension from him when we reconnected, but she assured me it was sorted out and we’ve all hung out and had laughs together) and she hates me for that, or – and this is where it gets messy – maybe she never really liked me?  Maybe I was just a sucker, a means to drive up tension to get her boyfriend to leave?  All the bad stuff is coming back from when we fell out two years ago, where I was left feeling like I never mattered to her at all.  She was lying to me then (more than I knew at the time, regarding hard drug use) and treating me like shit – something she acknowledges and apologized for when we made up.

 

I don’t know what to think.  I’m in love with this girl, even though I know we’ll never be together.  If it was ever gonna happen, it’d have been two years ago.  I decided I’d be just fine being a part of her life and that’s been great (talking on the phone every day!  Seeing each other once or twice a week! etc), I felt loved and that I mattered.  And now, just like that, it feels like it’s been switched off.  Again.

 

It’s like part of my brain cannot accept that someone can do that, or fake that kind of feeling convincingly.  She’s never had limits, no question has ever been taboo or too personal.  That’s led me and others (not kidding, she’s left a string of broken hearts from here to South Africa) to feeling a lot more intimately involved with her than we ever really were.

 

I hope I’m wrong.  I want her “Lots of love!” to mean something.  I want to matter to her as much as she does to me, or at least so much that she can’t just drop me like I never existed.   I want her to be truly past the darkness in her life, I hope her baby has given her purpose and a reason to live.

 

I’m so worried.

I don’t understand people and I never will

 

Earlier today while on lunch at work I had a phone call with someone who was saying they were about to do something questionable which might get them evicted from their home.  As soon as I got out of work I texted to get an update.  No reply.  I just texted again.  No reply.  I check Facebook, and sure enough they’re “active now”

 

I worry about you.  I care about you.  And you can’t even do me the courtesy of a text back.  I will never understand why people can be so fucking callous.  I’ll never get it and I’ve tried so hard to, and wished so hard I could be that way.  I just want to give up.

Am I an Attention Whore?

A long time ago, I was happy.  My happiness came from within, a contented feeling from having achieved more in life (as incredibly modest those things were by anyone else’s standards) than I ever thought possible.  But as I became moderately popular in my little circle of friends, something gradually changed.  My happiness stopped coming from within, and instead came from how I was seen and treated by those around me.

 

Which means I’m happy when I’m surrounded by friends, and depressed as fuck when I’m alone.  I take it ridiculously hard when friends go out without inviting me, or don’t reply to texts.  I’m the guy who never gets the hint to leave because I don’t want to be left alone with my thoughts.  I even get jealous when I’m not someone’s best friend – and yes, I realize how weird and fucked up and unhealthy these thoughts are.  People have friends and people more important than me and they’re allowed to.  They’re allowed to go out and hang with people that aren’t me and have a good time, just like I sometimes go out with people that don’t include them and have a good time too.

 

So why, if I can understand this intellectually, does it still hurt so much every time I’m left out?