Tag: karma

Yep, we’re done

 

I hadn’t heard anything from The Girl I Like But Can Never Have in a couple of days, then she calls me on my lunch break at work.  She’s at the hospital because her baby’s had a spill.  The way she tells it, it’s bad and I’m worried sick all evening.  I tell her I’m gonna call as soon as I’m off for an update, she says ok.

 

End of shift.  I call, and no pickup.  I text and nothing.  I’m worried more now, but a voice in my head is saying she’s just ignoring you.  And guess the fuck what??  The voice was right.  I finally get through to her hours later and the baby’s fine, she’s fine.  They’re back home and she’s just had friends over and then had a bath.

 

I told her I was really worried and she gave me fake sounding “I’m sorry I’m such a bad friend” bollocks.  I said she could have just texted so I knew she and her baby were okay but no, she was too busy.  Then she fucking slipped and said that she’s been getting phone calls!  She’s got time to answer them but not me.

 

Fuck you.  You’ll never fucking realise what a good, loyal and loving friend you just lost.  My heart is fucking torn and I want to cry.  I love her so much but this is the breaking point.  My mother (yes, I raged to Mummy) says it’s because she’s used to people not caring about her – which has something to it, the life she’s had – but I think the truth is that she doesn’t care about me at all.  I’m just a resource, and now it’s her newest couple of friends who are getting all the attention –constant phone calls, texting, invites to spend days with her etc- I loved so much weeks ago.  That made me feel like I mattered to someone.

 

I’ve fallen in love twice, both times have been doomed.  This girl hurt me once before, two years ago, and now she’s done it again.  I wish to anything I could just scoop out this feeling and dispose of it.  Because I love her – but I really don’t want to anymore.  And her indifference hurts so much.

 

I said it before and I’ll say it now: It’s karma. I love someone who doesn’t love me as punishment for falling out of love with my ex.  I guess I deserve it.

Advertisements

Karma

 

They say it’s karma to fall in love with someone who doesn’t love you, for not loving someone who did.  And it’s true.

I fell out of love with someone who loved me more than air.  My deteriorating mental health, combined with her mental health issues – bipolar, BPD etc – made our last year together (of four) hell.  I used to help her through her downers, she’d lash out at me but it was water off a duck’s back.  But 2 years ago she changed.  During her downers I became the enemy, and she’d find ways to hurt me, to bring me down with her.  She broke me heart again and again.  She’d apologize afterwards, swear she didn’t mean it, but I know she did.  She meant every word.  And it just got worse, until I, numb from antidepressants I’ve since quit, told her the truth and broke her heart.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever said.

Now I’m in love with someone who, for many varied reasons, can never ever be mine.  And it really, really hurts.

I hate myself so much.