She’s fascinated me for years. I usually get an idea of people’s motivations and goals pretty easily, but she was always a mystery. She’d do self-destructive things for seemingly no reason, put relationships that were meaningful to her in jeopardy when she didn’t have to and was smart enough to know she shouldn’t. I always put it down to the abuse she went through when she was younger screwing her up (which is very true) but now I understand her motivation. Let me add here that I’m in no way qualified to diagnose anyone with anything, and this post is just be expressing some kind of dark “eureka!” moment that’s been three-plus years in the making.
She’s an adrenaline junkie.
The Girl That I Like told me she was an adrenaline junkie a couple of months ago and again a couple of days ago, but it’s only now that it’s clicked that that’s why she does everything. Why she compulsively cheats on every relationship she’s ever had, with people I know she loves and would rather die than lose. Why she lies habitually and unnecessarily, even telling stories that paint her and those she cares about in a very dark light. Why she steals pettily. All because it gives her a thrill she can’t get any other way, a thrill she can never get by being good or doing the right thing.
She’s young and I shudder to think where this is going to go once the cheap thrills of being naughty wear off.. She currently seeing a mental health team regarding her depression and anger issues, and I hope they get her the help she needs.
She was troubled. She came from abuse and did things in her life that she regretted deeply and hates herself for. She was an habitual liar, likely as a result of covering for horrible things since she was very young. She went from calling and texting every day to giving no fucks at all with nothing in between, presumably because she’d found someone else she found more exciting.
But she was also the most fun and exciting person I’ve ever known. She had an amazing sense of humour. She felt everything so intensely, whether good or bad there were no buffers, nothing she held back. When she was happy she was positively blissful, her joy was the most pure I’d ever known from anyone. The closest I could describe it was like an excited puppy.
Of course, that meant her downers were just as severe – countless suicide attempts, self harm, drug addictions etc.
She was someone I could tell anything to without judgement, and who told me (but also pretty much anyone who asked) anything at all and knew I wouldn’t judge. She knows more about me than anyone in this world except my ex, and I probably am in the top 3 or 5 for knowing all there is about her.
When she stopped calling or replying to my texts, I was torn. How can you tell when someone’s pushing you away because they’re lost in their own tornado of depression versus when they’re genuinely no longer interested in being your friend? I told myself that if it was the former and something happened, I’d never forgive myself. So I kept worrying about her and texting and once in a while got a reply, many hours alter. I got to speak to her for a grand total of 2 minutes and twenty seconds on the phone the other day, in which she told me everything’s going great and that she’d gotten some great news weeks before (but didn’t bother to share with me), then made a fishy-sounding excuse and went.
But still, I love her very much and wish her all the best. She makes everyone else seem boring in comparison. I just need to accept she doesn’t want to be friends anymore and move on. And that hurts so much it’s unreal.
I hadn’t heard anything from The Girl I Like But Can Never Have in a couple of days, then she calls me on my lunch break at work. She’s at the hospital because her baby’s had a spill. The way she tells it, it’s bad and I’m worried sick all evening. I tell her I’m gonna call as soon as I’m off for an update, she says ok.
End of shift. I call, and no pickup. I text and nothing. I’m worried more now, but a voice in my head is saying she’s just ignoring you. And guess the fuck what?? The voice was right. I finally get through to her hours later and the baby’s fine, she’s fine. They’re back home and she’s just had friends over and then had a bath.
I told her I was really worried and she gave me fake sounding “I’m sorry I’m such a bad friend” bollocks. I said she could have just texted so I knew she and her baby were okay but no, she was too busy. Then she fucking slipped and said that she’s been getting phone calls! She’s got time to answer them but not me.
Fuck you. You’ll never fucking realise what a good, loyal and loving friend you just lost. My heart is fucking torn and I want to cry. I love her so much but this is the breaking point. My mother (yes, I raged to Mummy) says it’s because she’s used to people not caring about her – which has something to it, the life she’s had – but I think the truth is that she doesn’t care about me at all. I’m just a resource, and now it’s her newest couple of friends who are getting all the attention –constant phone calls, texting, invites to spend days with her etc- I loved so much weeks ago. That made me feel like I mattered to someone.
I’ve fallen in love twice, both times have been doomed. This girl hurt me once before, two years ago, and now she’s done it again. I wish to anything I could just scoop out this feeling and dispose of it. Because I love her – but I really don’t want to anymore. And her indifference hurts so much.
I said it before and I’ll say it now: It’s karma. I love someone who doesn’t love me as punishment for falling out of love with my ex. I guess I deserve it.
So the Girl I Love But Can Never Be With has been acting erratically. She told me about a miscarriage. She told me about a lowkey pill popping suicide attempt she made recently which she passed off as a badly upset stomach and swore me to secrecy. She told me about major problems with her man cheating on her and huge fights they’ve had. She told me she might lose custody of her child as a result.
So I text her later that day to make sure she’s okay, and I hear nothing back. I’m worried sick, I text again the day after saying “please text back when you can so I know you and your baby are okay” and again hear nothing.
This morning she was active on Facebook. She’s just ignoring me.
I think she’s just fucking with my head. That she’s gotten bored of me and gone on to some other guy who’s now getting all her attention. That’s what my gut is screaming, and what is screamed before we blew up and didn’t speak for two years.
I’m writing this in case we gets back in contact and spins some blatant bullshit that I gladly gobble up because I’m weak and want her to love me. I want to remember this feeling next time it happens. I’ve written but deleted several “Never mind, saw you active on Facebook you were just ignoring your friend who was worrying about you” texts. I’m just going to leave it. I’m done reaching out, and if I never hear from her again, that’s that.
We had some good memories and really fun times, and I wish her all the best because – with what I know about her and her situation that I know isn’t bullshit – she’s going to need it, especially if she surrounds herself with men and women who use her for sex, ply her with drugs and give no fucks whether she lives or dies like she used to.
Actually, scrap that. I wish her child all the best, because he’s the one who’s really going to need it.
EDIT: Sent that text the next day. She told me she’s pushed everyone away and needs space while she processes all the shit that she’s going through. I’m stepping back and giving her space – while getting myself used to the idea I’ll not hear from her again.