I feel so empty. I miss being in a relationship, of that knowledge that someone loves me and the strength it gives. I miss sneaking up on someone in the kitchen, wrapping my arms around them and kissing them lovingly on the neck. Feeling their breasts and running my hands down to their hips as they melt into my arms.
If you’ve got that feeling right now, hold on to it. Don’t give it up for anything in the world. All the drunk makeouts and meaningless sex (and I’d kill for even meaningless sex right now) in the world is nothing compared to it.
A long time ago, I was happy. My happiness came from within, a contented feeling from having achieved more in life (as incredibly modest those things were by anyone else’s standards) than I ever thought possible. But as I became moderately popular in my little circle of friends, something gradually changed. My happiness stopped coming from within, and instead came from how I was seen and treated by those around me.
Which means I’m happy when I’m surrounded by friends, and depressed as fuck when I’m alone. I take it ridiculously hard when friends go out without inviting me, or don’t reply to texts. I’m the guy who never gets the hint to leave because I don’t want to be left alone with my thoughts. I even get jealous when I’m not someone’s best friend – and yes, I realize how weird and fucked up and unhealthy these thoughts are. People have friends and people more important than me and they’re allowed to. They’re allowed to go out and hang with people that aren’t me and have a good time, just like I sometimes go out with people that don’t include them and have a good time too.
So why, if I can understand this intellectually, does it still hurt so much every time I’m left out?