Tag: paranoia

Temporary people leaving permanent memories

 

I know how some people aren’t in your life forever, that they’re just passing through.  But for some reason, I figured that was for other people and not me.  But here I am, scrolling through my Twitter feed and reading about a former friend’s new besties.  She says they’re “her life”.  I remember spending nights texting you and on the phone to you, giving you reasons to live when you were struggling.  I remember us confessing our darkest secrets to each other.  I remember watching fireworks with you, going climbing through woods with you.  I remember when things were at their worst between myself and my now-ex, you handmaking me a birthday card, giving me a big hug and whispering “please don’t kill yourself” into my ear, making me cry.

 

You got a new job, made new friends and just like that I was gone.  Awful fake excuses were made to avoid meeting up, and just like that we weren’t friends anymore.

 

The Girl I Liked, and still do even through she hurt me and some switch flicked in her head stopping her from caring.  If she ever did.  I wish I knew what I did to make her stop calling and texting and wanting to meet up or even doing me the basic courtesy of replying to me when I’m worried sick about her and her baby.  I run through all our interactions in my head on loop at night, trying desperately to find something.  I can be so oblivious sometimes, I can miss huge obvious things.  I wish I knew what was going on inside her head.  I can never be with you but I always want you in my life.  You were so good for my mental health and you were FUN, more fun than anyone else.  You lit up my day when you were around, made me the me of years ago before I became Eeyore.

 

I’ve got Facebook open and see you’re active now, messaging other people and not thinking about me at all.  I remember sitting with you while you got that tattoo a couple of weeks ago.  I remember going with you while you got your eyes examined years ago, walking you home from your first day at college, sitting with you and psyching you up for your first ever job interview.  Sitting with you and calming you down after your family embarrassed you in front of me and it broke your heart.  I remember the chocolate rabbit you got me, out of the blue, the first gift you ever got me.  I remember the day you were so depressed and I got you a t-shirt that you wanted even though it was way too big for you – and I remember the second time I saw you when we reconnected and you were wearing it, and a few weeks after giving birth it fit perfectly.  I remember the day you casually said to me as we were walking down the street, “you know I love you, right?”

 

Is it me?  Something I say or do?  I’m depressed as fuck a lot of the time and I know it shows.  I know that’s off-putting but is it really enough?  Is it because I told her she didn’t owe me anything after she told me how seriously she takes personal debts?  Maybe she just has a new best friend?  Another old friend back in her life, perhaps?

 

My ex, I understand why you cut me off, it’s better for both our sanity that we not try to be friends.  We wanted to be, but all it brought us was pain.

 

I feel awful right now.  Worse than anyone knows.  I won’t kill myself, because I believe that as long as I’m alive, no matter how bad things get, there’s a chance it’ll get better.  It has done once before when I was right on the edge.  A wonderful girl made me a birthday card and gave me a hug and reminded me that I mattered to some people.  She’s moved on now, but who knows what the future might bring?

The paranoid, insecure man that bullying made me

As touched on before, if someone doesn’t text back they hate me or are sick of me and everything I’ve seen from them in the days, weeks and months previous is a lie or they’ve changed their minds since and are now happily texting someone they like more.

 

If someone asks me about a certain event, they’re just mining for gossip, and don’t really care how said events impacted me.  I’m nothing.

 

If I don’t get that job I had the really good interview for, I’m an idiot who can’t tell if the interview is going well or not – and it means I think I’m having a good time with my friends but really they’re not enjoying themselves and that’s why they don’t text back and that’s why they hate me…

 

I was constantly psychologically bullied in high school, and I think this is the result.  Kids would point and laugh at me when I walked up.  It started off as a small group of three or four, but everyone picked up on it and soon it was about eight or ten of them.

 

I knew what they were doing, and at the start I told myself I wasn’t going to believe a word they said,  But after a year, I believed every word they said,  I was fat, I was a useless piece of shit.  I smelled, I was ugly.  They’d claim my family was incestuous.  I remember asking one of the lead bullies what I’d have to do to make them stop.  He replied, “We’ll only stop when you kill yourself”

 

In high school I had no social skills, no conversation skills, I couldn’t talk to girls to save my life.  I was hopeless.  But did I deserve that?  Fuck no.  Nobody does.

 

So one of them would sometimes try to befriend me.  I’d of course be suspicious, but we’d talk during the day and at the end, he’d turn on me and have all his bully friends there and they’d all laugh at me and mock the things I’d said that day.

 

In my adult life, I’m still a little surprised when someone I’ve just met is nice to me, or obviously wants to be my friend or be liked by me.  It’s this weird thing I struggle to get my head around.  Like, don’t they know what a fat, gross, smelly fuckup loser I am?  They could find out at any time!

Prepare for rejection!

I’m supposed to be seeing my friend (The Girl I Can Never Have) tomorrow, as we agreed on the phone yesterday.  Haven’t heard a peep from her today, so texted to make sure things were still okay for tomorrow.

 

At time of writing, it’s been 50 minutes and nothing.  Years of experience and low self esteem have trained me to expect a rejection when I double-check plans with anyone.  I hate this waiting to hear back period so much.

 

Worse still, I’m afraid she’ll just not reply.  I’d so much prefer a simple “Sorry I can’t” or some other polite rejection 5 seconds after I texted and at least know where I stand.

 

Most annoying of all, when we reconnected she made a point to say she’d *always* text me back when she could, no matter what.  Hasn’t quite panned out.

 

But who knows, maybe her man is balls-deep in her right now, or her phone’s charging in the corner or her baby’s raising hell.  More likely (says the paranoid mind with zero anything to back it up) though, she saw my message, swiped it off the screen and went right back to texting her other friends…

 

I wish I knew what was paranoia and what was truth.

 

UPDATE:  She texted back at 1am, and I spent 4 or 5 hours with her today.  She’s had a very difficult couple of days, the details of which I won’t go into but are more than reason enough to excuse late replies.

The Ex and Her Dying Dog

My ex is back to torture me.  This time she’s using her dying dog as an excuse to lash out.  She texts me to tell me the dog has cancer and is dying.  This same dog she told me many times she planned to kill herself once she died (She used to say being with me was the only thing that kept her from killing herself.  But towards the end I wasn’t enough and she was going when the dog did)

 

Do I get any details?  Fuck no.  No details about the dog I love and walked and fed every day I was there, and that woke up snuggled up with every morning.  The dog that came when I called her name and not when my ex did. Instead I get how I put my friends ahead of her for the millionth time.  She didn’t like me having friends, especially female ones – which is really awkward since most of my friends are women.  She wanted me in a box with no other human contact, and in a long distance relationship like ours (did I mention she’s in the US and I’m in England?  And I’d save up and spend a few months with her between part-time jobs?  The rest of our relationship was on Skype) that’s not healthy at all.

She used to say it’d be okay if I had more guy friends and hung out with them, but I never told her about the time I got really drunk and made out with a guy.  I don’t think she’d have offered that alternative if she knew.

 

I’m so angry at her, I want to lash out and tell her that what she’s doing is emotional blackmail, but I’m afraid she’ll kill herself if I say anything negative.

 

I don’t even know if the dog or her are alive right now.  I’m crawling out of my skin with worry.  She has friends there (she’s allowed friends.  Including female ones when she’s bisexual, but that’s a double standard for another time)

 

It’s St. Patrick’s Day.  I want to be with friends but no, instead I’m at home and hating myself, feeling guilty and terrified that someone I love (even if I’m no longer in love with) is dead or planning their suicide and blames me for everything.

Stuck in a rut

I’m stuck in a rut.  I hate that none of my friends want to spend time with me, but at the same time when they actually do, I’m so depressed and down that I’m no fun and – understandably – people don’t want more.  Last time I was out with friends, the nerdy one – the fucking terminal virgin nerdy one – told me to go home because I was the awkward one standing in the corner.

I used to be so full of energy and life, but now I’ve got nothing.  A year ago in my last job, my boss saw it when it was starting and kept asking if I was okay and saying that if I ever needed to talk he was there blah blah blah (of course I never took him up on it).  It was really sweet of him.  Two or three years ago I was so much happier, king of my little domain with a super loving but long distance girlfriend, and the best friends I’d ever known, who I felt deeply connected to.  I used to look forward to tomorrow.

I’m so jealous of my friends, my former friends and my ex having social lives and being happier than when they were around me.  It also triggers my paranoia that maybe I was dragging them down.  I try REALLY hard to ignore that voice.  All it’s ever done is cause trouble.

But at the same time, I’ve got no energy for a social life.  On my days off, I sleep and rest.  So I’m stuck.