Tag: texting

This might just be goodbye, girl that I love.

So the Girl I Love But Can Never Be With has been acting erratically.  She told me about a miscarriage.  She told me about a lowkey pill popping suicide attempt she made recently which she passed off as a badly upset stomach and swore me to secrecy.  She told me about major problems with her man cheating on her and huge fights they’ve had.  She told me she might lose custody of her child as a result.

So I text her later that day to make sure she’s okay, and I hear nothing back.  I’m worried sick, I text again the day after saying “please text back when you can so I know you and your baby are okay” and again hear nothing.

This morning she was active on Facebook.  She’s just ignoring me.

I think she’s just fucking with my head.  That she’s gotten bored of me and gone on to some other guy who’s now getting all her attention.  That’s what my gut is screaming, and what is screamed before we blew up and didn’t speak for two years.

I’m writing this in case we gets back in contact and spins some blatant bullshit that I gladly gobble up because I’m weak and want her to love me.  I want to remember this feeling next time it happens.  I’ve written but deleted several “Never mind, saw you active on Facebook you were just ignoring your friend who was worrying about you” texts.  I’m just going to leave it.  I’m done reaching out, and if I never hear from her again, that’s that.

We had some good memories and really fun times, and I wish her all the best because – with what I know about her and her situation that I know isn’t bullshit – she’s going to need it, especially if she surrounds herself with men and women who use her for sex, ply her with drugs and give no fucks whether she lives or dies like she used to.

Actually, scrap that.  I wish her child all the best, because he’s the one who’s really going to need it.

 

EDIT:  Sent that text the next day.  She told me she’s pushed everyone away and needs space while she processes all the shit that she’s going through.  I’m stepping back and giving her space – while getting myself used to the idea I’ll not hear from her again.

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The paranoid, insecure man that bullying made me

As touched on before, if someone doesn’t text back they hate me or are sick of me and everything I’ve seen from them in the days, weeks and months previous is a lie or they’ve changed their minds since and are now happily texting someone they like more.

 

If someone asks me about a certain event, they’re just mining for gossip, and don’t really care how said events impacted me.  I’m nothing.

 

If I don’t get that job I had the really good interview for, I’m an idiot who can’t tell if the interview is going well or not – and it means I think I’m having a good time with my friends but really they’re not enjoying themselves and that’s why they don’t text back and that’s why they hate me…

 

I was constantly psychologically bullied in high school, and I think this is the result.  Kids would point and laugh at me when I walked up.  It started off as a small group of three or four, but everyone picked up on it and soon it was about eight or ten of them.

 

I knew what they were doing, and at the start I told myself I wasn’t going to believe a word they said,  But after a year, I believed every word they said,  I was fat, I was a useless piece of shit.  I smelled, I was ugly.  They’d claim my family was incestuous.  I remember asking one of the lead bullies what I’d have to do to make them stop.  He replied, “We’ll only stop when you kill yourself”

 

In high school I had no social skills, no conversation skills, I couldn’t talk to girls to save my life.  I was hopeless.  But did I deserve that?  Fuck no.  Nobody does.

 

So one of them would sometimes try to befriend me.  I’d of course be suspicious, but we’d talk during the day and at the end, he’d turn on me and have all his bully friends there and they’d all laugh at me and mock the things I’d said that day.

 

In my adult life, I’m still a little surprised when someone I’ve just met is nice to me, or obviously wants to be my friend or be liked by me.  It’s this weird thing I struggle to get my head around.  Like, don’t they know what a fat, gross, smelly fuckup loser I am?  They could find out at any time!

Prepare for rejection!

I’m supposed to be seeing my friend (The Girl I Can Never Have) tomorrow, as we agreed on the phone yesterday.  Haven’t heard a peep from her today, so texted to make sure things were still okay for tomorrow.

 

At time of writing, it’s been 50 minutes and nothing.  Years of experience and low self esteem have trained me to expect a rejection when I double-check plans with anyone.  I hate this waiting to hear back period so much.

 

Worse still, I’m afraid she’ll just not reply.  I’d so much prefer a simple “Sorry I can’t” or some other polite rejection 5 seconds after I texted and at least know where I stand.

 

Most annoying of all, when we reconnected she made a point to say she’d *always* text me back when she could, no matter what.  Hasn’t quite panned out.

 

But who knows, maybe her man is balls-deep in her right now, or her phone’s charging in the corner or her baby’s raising hell.  More likely (says the paranoid mind with zero anything to back it up) though, she saw my message, swiped it off the screen and went right back to texting her other friends…

 

I wish I knew what was paranoia and what was truth.

 

UPDATE:  She texted back at 1am, and I spent 4 or 5 hours with her today.  She’s had a very difficult couple of days, the details of which I won’t go into but are more than reason enough to excuse late replies.

I don’t understand people and I never will

 

Earlier today while on lunch at work I had a phone call with someone who was saying they were about to do something questionable which might get them evicted from their home.  As soon as I got out of work I texted to get an update.  No reply.  I just texted again.  No reply.  I check Facebook, and sure enough they’re “active now”

 

I worry about you.  I care about you.  And you can’t even do me the courtesy of a text back.  I will never understand why people can be so fucking callous.  I’ll never get it and I’ve tried so hard to, and wished so hard I could be that way.  I just want to give up.

Texting and priorities

When someone doesn’t text back, immediately, I’m devastated – even when I really should not be these people’s top priority.  Do you have a fiancé?  Are you in love, and spending the evening with your loved one?  Fuck that shit, that guy your other half is probably weary of is texting you so drop what you’re doing and reply.  Even if you’re halfway through amazing sex.

 

So yeah, I’ve got to fix my priorities somewhat.