The Girl That I Like. I called her again, after months. We chatted for ages again. I visited again.
We’ve always been flirty but today we definitely went several steps beyond anything that can ever be called innocent flirting. She asked me to guess her bra size post-baby, and bared them for a squeeze. I squeezed. I guessed. I was way off, but I don’t think she minded.
Then she showed me explicit pictures from a sex tape she made the other day so I could see her pieced clit (which, not gonna lie, looked pretty awesome. Always go vertical, they almost look classy)
It’s so fucking weird. I want her so badly and I know she’s attracted to me too (not that that’s saying too much -her list of conquest is stuff of legend), but I don’t want to ruin our friendship and I don’t think she wants to, either. She’s the only one who makes me feel amazing just to be around.
I feel so empty. I miss being in a relationship, of that knowledge that someone loves me and the strength it gives. I miss sneaking up on someone in the kitchen, wrapping my arms around them and kissing them lovingly on the neck. Feeling their breasts and running my hands down to their hips as they melt into my arms.
If you’ve got that feeling right now, hold on to it. Don’t give it up for anything in the world. All the drunk makeouts and meaningless sex (and I’d kill for even meaningless sex right now) in the world is nothing compared to it.
When I was with my ex, we had sex every day. It was amazing, with like three or four exceptions, we did every fucked up fantasy thing she and I ever wanted to do (and then I learn that friend I’m crazy about does all those three or four and probably a whole lot more). Then we broke up and 11 months of my not having sex happened. I’m at the point where “taking care of business” myself isn’t fun anymore. As much as I love the internet’s infinite supply of amazing and creative free porn, I always just feeling lonely and sad afterwards. It just reminds me of what I want the most and aren’t getting.
So I quit. And my balls haven’t exploded, I haven’t become an uncontrollable horny beast. Everything’s the same, but my internet history isn’t being deleted every day or two. Maybe it’s the depression. Maybe it’s being in my mid-30’s and slowing down.
All I know for sure is that I really miss having sex. Kissing, holding, undressing, worshipping, fucking. That amazing feeling from making someone cum again and again. The way someone kisses you when they’re lost in the heat of the moment. Laying together afterwards and having raw, emotional conversations.
Some day again, I hope.